Whateva

So my next appointment to find out the big game plan is November 3rd. I was hoping to get in sooner, but what can I do about it? Nada. At least it's not a month away or longer. I'm trying to look at the positive side. To be honest, I don't really see why I need an appointment for this anyways. It seems to me that it would be more time effective if she just called me, informed me of my lab results, and let me know what our next step is and when we can do it. I can't wait to find out what we will be doing for sure and to let all of you know as well.

In other news... fall has definitely arrived. A lot of the leaves are turning already and I'm going to be so sad when the trees are all naked. It's so much prettier with them. It's also started to get a lot colder. I'm such a baby when it's cold. I'm one of those freaks that enjoys 100 degree weather and if I can have some humidity with that I'm even happier. The cold is also made more difficult because I have Raynaud's. Such a nuisance, but DH and I went shopping for some new cold weather clothes recently and it should definitely help keep me warm. Now I just need to find some new jeans and some new gloves. I'm very picky when it comes to what jeans I like and I'm really having a hard time finding a pair or two. Any suggestions? For some reason the malls around here only want to carry the skinny leg jeans. I think they are okay, but they're just not for me. DH and I have also been adding some much needed decorations to our house. I'm not too good at it (some people just aren't blessed with the eye) but luckily he is. We've found some really cute stuff and I can't wait to do more. Does anyone know a good place to order curtains for a GREAT price?

Well, unfortunately I now need to go out in the rain and go to Biology class. Today is the perfect day to just snuggle in a blanket at home with some cocoa! I hope everyone is having a great day!

Hard times

Today is one of those days. I'm having a down day where I'm really struggling with the feelings that come with infertility, not being pregnant, and not having a baby yet. I don't want to carry this burden, learn this lesson, or deal with any of the reasons why God has chosen me for this struggle. My heart is just really heavy and really hurts right now. I want to have my beautiful family and give my husband a reflection of himself. It's also difficult not knowing the future. I'm positive that God wants me to be happy and for all of my deep desires to be fulfilled and I know he will bless me with a family. But how long will I have to wait and is this promised family going to come in the package that I really desire it to? I don't know. I have so many questions and just wish that God could sit down with me and let me in on His secrets. I also think what makes things more difficult is being stagnant. Things seem like they are easier to deal with when I'm working on a specific game plan and actively doing something towards my goal. Tomorrow I go for my day 3 blood work and then I'm allowed to schedule a follow up appointment. Here's to hoping I can get in soon and that I will get nothing but happy news.

In so much pain!

Yesterday AF came and I was surprised by how much pain I wasn't in. I even commented about it on someone's blog. BIG MISTAKE. I woke up this morning with the heaviest, nastiest flow and now I'm in so much pain. Not fun! I could seriously cry. To top it off I have to go to class (for those who haven't read it already in my previous post somewhere, I'm finally cracking down and getting my biology degree). So in order to survive and not make a spectacle of myself I took half a vicodin. It has taken the edge off the pain, but now I'm getting sleepy. That doesn't really mix with a 3 hour history lecture! Endometriosis sucks! I'm so sick of it. I want to have normal periods and I want to be able to have children without difficulty. Lord please heal me!

Tick tock....

So my doctor said that before I could schedule my next appointment and make a solid new game plan that both my husband and I needed to get more blood work and I needed to get an ultrasound. DH got his blood work and I got my ultrasound (transvag...YAY....NOT). So now I'm just waiting to get my blood work done, which has to be done on day 3 of my cycle. That's a little over two weeks away. Hopefully once I get that done I won't have to wait too long to be able to be seen. I hate it when you can only get an appointment a month out. Come on father time and pass on by!

Here I go again!

Okay, I know that I'm putting the cart before the horse because I haven't gotten complete confirmation that we're going to be doing an IUI (the doc just said that is most likely what we'll be doing), but I like to know everything as soon as possible and I like to over think and over worry. So this post if for the ladies that have done everything before me... What do you think of IUI's? What was the experience like for you? What can I expect? What's the prep and procedure like? I know my doctor will explain all of this when we get to it, but I would like to here it from you guys.

appointment

Well... I'm not pregnant. I had a really hard time with it. I thought for sure that I was and allowed myself to get excited. AF came and I had a really difficult few days. Now I'm back on track and re-focused.

Today I met with the new infertility doc. I like her and the appointment went well. Unfortunately I have to back track a little bit and she wants to repeat my labs that I did with the last doctor and do another ultrasound. I HATE transvaginal ultrasounds! Oh well, it's necessary and worth it in the end. She also said that (pending my lab results) we will most likely be doing high dose clomid with an IUI. Before this appointment I pretty much knew that my only other option was going to be IUI or IVF. I was nervous about this because my insurance doesn't cover it and I thought it was going to be way too expensive for us to be able to afford. Thank the Lord IUI's will only cost us $110 per session. That's still a lot of money, but at least it is manageable and not in the thousands like IVF. So now I just need to wait for my next cycle so I can do the blood work.

I don't know what to think

I'm down in the dumps. I was so sure and so positive that this was going to be the month that I got pregnant. I've even been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. My husband made me POAS last week and again a few days ago. I told him that it was definitely too early for that, but he figured if I was having symptoms then it should turn positive even if it's too early. Silly man. However, this morning should have been enough time and it was still a BFN. I don't understand! AF is FOUR days late and I really feel like I'm pregnant, but the tests all say negative. I'm so bummed. I've had a really tough time with it today. I cried out to God and poured my heart out to Him. I know that things are all in His timing and according to His will, but why can't that be now? Am I doing something wrong? Why if I want something so badly, and it hurts me so badly to not have it, does God not want that for me as well? I know this is something all of us struggle with and I know that tomorrow will be a better day.