Merry Christmas to all! I can't believe how quickly the holiday season has arrived. Where did this year go? I must say that I'm happy to see it go and to experience what 2010 has in store for me. Tomorrow dh and I are heading about 3 hours away to my brothers house. We will be spending the holiday with my brother, his wife, his 4 beautiful kids, and my mom and her husband. My Mom and her husband are in from California visiting. I'm really looking forward to seeing them and I hope that it's a happy, wonderful Christmas.
Growing up we always had BIG family Christmas celebrations with my extended family in Reno. Unfortunately I haven't been able to go to one of those in way too long and hope that it's something I can do soon. I have a fabulous family. On Christmas Eve we would always gather at my aunt's house and have dinner and each open 1 gift and then head to midnight mass. Christmas day would be spent at another one of my aunt's houses and we would have tons of wonderful food and just talk and have so much fun. I miss my family.
What are some of your Christmas traditions or wonderful memories?
I'm going crazy!
I want more than anything for this to be the happiest time of my life. I've finally been blessed with what I want most in life. Instead I'm allowing myself to get consumed with worry and doubt. Now that I'm finally pregnant I'm so scared that it's going to get taken away. I was so terrified before my first ultrasound that they wouldn't find a baby there and was so sure that after they found everything to be okay I would be comforted. I'm getting another ultrasound on Wednesday and have found myself consumed with the same worries all over again. God blessed me with this gift and I really don't think anything bad is going to happen. I'm going to have this baby full term and completely healthy! Now if only I could be this certain all the time. I don't want to be like this! I want to stand firm and strong in my faith. I don't want to receive a gift from God and then spend the entire time questioning His gift. In addition I have become a habitual pregnancy test addict. I keep POAS to make sure that the lines are still as dark as always. So let me reintroduce myself...
Hello everyone! My name is Jennifer and I'm addicted to pregnancy tests.
Hello everyone! My name is Jennifer and I'm addicted to pregnancy tests.
Progestorone
I forgot to add in my last post that my doctor put me on 200mg of Progesterone inserts three times a day just to be on the safe side. That's been... interesting... so far. Hello pantyliners!
First Ultrasound
Today dh and I went for our first ultrasound! I was so nervous before and had to keep reminding myself that this is a gift from God and that everything is going to be just fine. We got to see the gestational sac, yolk sac, heart beat, and fetal pole. The heart beat wasn't definitive enough yet to count the heart rate, but we're going back for another ultrasound next week. Dh and I are definitely very excited. We are already painting the baby's room this weekend and have ordered a few things for the room as well. This is the theme that we decided to go with. I'm sure that it looks more "boyish" than anything, but girls like animals too, so it's okay.
And here's our little baby. Sorry, the quality is really bad. I'll scan the sonogram pictures in next time. For the first one I went ghetto and just took a picture of it. Sorry!
My RE is going to see me until about 8 weeks or so and then I'll either get transferred to a high risk OB or just a regular one. With my issues it will probably be high risk, but we'll see what they say after I meet with them.
In other news I've always had this area on my right side that is a little bit tender when it's pushed on and lately that's been tender just on its own. I don't know if that's where I have some endo and maybe that's just adjusting with the pregnancy?? I'll have to keep an eye on that and see how it continues to feel.
And here's our little baby. Sorry, the quality is really bad. I'll scan the sonogram pictures in next time. For the first one I went ghetto and just took a picture of it. Sorry!
My RE is going to see me until about 8 weeks or so and then I'll either get transferred to a high risk OB or just a regular one. With my issues it will probably be high risk, but we'll see what they say after I meet with them.In other news I've always had this area on my right side that is a little bit tender when it's pushed on and lately that's been tender just on its own. I don't know if that's where I have some endo and maybe that's just adjusting with the pregnancy?? I'll have to keep an eye on that and see how it continues to feel.
Rheumatologist: Round 2
After finishing my last final (WOOHOO!) of the semester dh and I went to my rheumatology appointment. I was SO nervous! Basically what she said is that a lot of my labs were very high and while she can't say for certain that I have lupus, that is what it looks like and I definitely do have some form of connective tissue disease. She may want to put me on high dose steriods or a medication called Plaquinol. Both of them are okay for pregnancy, but of course still do carry risks. I only want to go on those if ABSOLUTELY necessary. I do have an increased risk for developing placenta blood clots. She set me up with an emergency appointment with a hematologist to see if I have any other blood disorder problems and if there's anything I need to do for my pregnancy. I might have to go on low dose aspirin to prevent blood clots, but that could cause heart damage in the baby.
Honestly I'm not worried about any of these things. I really feel like God has His hand on this situation and that everything's going to be just fine. Of course I have had some worrying thoughts about miscarrying, but I try my hardest to push those thoughts to the side and to just focus on the here and the now and the blessing that God has given me. Other than that I'm just really tired and sick to my stomach. YAY!
Honestly I'm not worried about any of these things. I really feel like God has His hand on this situation and that everything's going to be just fine. Of course I have had some worrying thoughts about miscarrying, but I try my hardest to push those thoughts to the side and to just focus on the here and the now and the blessing that God has given me. Other than that I'm just really tired and sick to my stomach. YAY!
Confirmed!
DH and I woke up early and went to the doctors office as soon as they opened. They sent me for a blood hcg and my pregnancy was confirmed! My number was 1864 and I'm 5-6 weeks pregnant. I'm so excited! I also had my first bout of morning sickness this morning. How crazy is that! I'm going for an ultrasound on Tuesday. I can't believe this is me right now.
OMG! PINCH ME!
I am in shock right now! As you know, AF has been late. I'm on day 6 of lateness and didn't feel off or anything. I was at the store shopping for my dh's co-workers baby shower and decided to get a pregnancy test just to put my mind at ease so I could concentrate on studying. I just knew it would be negative, but wanted to put my thoughts to rest. So..... I get home and immediately POAS. And guess what...............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BFP!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!! I so did not expect this! Immediately the "pregnant" line came up and I was thinking "wait that's the pregnant line, could it be????" Then the second line immediately popped up. I was shaking and crying so bad. I immediately called DH at work and screamed "I told myself that I would wait to tell you, but I'M PREGNANT!", then immediately burst into more loud sobs. He was so surprised! We immediately called everyone. I can't believe this is me right now. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Someone please come pinch me! How in the world am I going to study for my finals now? Thank you Lord, thank you Lord, thank you Lord! Now I just need to concentrate on keeping this baby in my womb. I'm going to just show up at my doctors office tomorrow morning and see if they will put me on blood thinners right away or what they need to do. WOW! This is crazy!
So, without further adu here is my baby's (ahhhh I can't believe I can say that) first hello.
BFP!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!! I so did not expect this! Immediately the "pregnant" line came up and I was thinking "wait that's the pregnant line, could it be????" Then the second line immediately popped up. I was shaking and crying so bad. I immediately called DH at work and screamed "I told myself that I would wait to tell you, but I'M PREGNANT!", then immediately burst into more loud sobs. He was so surprised! We immediately called everyone. I can't believe this is me right now. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Someone please come pinch me! How in the world am I going to study for my finals now? Thank you Lord, thank you Lord, thank you Lord! Now I just need to concentrate on keeping this baby in my womb. I'm going to just show up at my doctors office tomorrow morning and see if they will put me on blood thinners right away or what they need to do. WOW! This is crazy!
So, without further adu here is my baby's (ahhhh I can't believe I can say that) first hello.
I Wish That I Was A Bear
It has been so cold this week. I wish that I was a bear and that I could just hibernate all winter long. I'm sure I would miss out on a lot of fun things, but at least I would be warm. I think that I'm making a fireplace a must for where ever we move next. I guess I shouldn't complain, it's only 48* here and I have friends in Denver where it is 8*, Reno where it is 0*, and California where it is 26*. Ha! Who am I kidding? I'm gonna complain anyways. I'm cold!
I don't have really have anything new to report this week. It must be a busy week for a few of my doctors offices because I've been having a hard time getting in touch with them or getting them to call me back. I think most people are gearing up for Christmas. I've had a busy week myself with school finals. I should be studying now, but I'm tired and I would much rather talk to all of you.
I'm having some layout indecision and I keep changing mine. It's annoying because I then have to change the font color on each blog entry so it matches. I hope that it doesn't send out a notification to all of you each time I edit a blog entry. Please let me know if it does because I don't want to annoy everyone.
Well, that's all that I can bore you with for now. I think that I just managed to talk about absolutely nothing. Until the next time I have something to ramble on about, I hope that you all are happy, doing well, and warm!
I don't have really have anything new to report this week. It must be a busy week for a few of my doctors offices because I've been having a hard time getting in touch with them or getting them to call me back. I think most people are gearing up for Christmas. I've had a busy week myself with school finals. I should be studying now, but I'm tired and I would much rather talk to all of you.
I'm having some layout indecision and I keep changing mine. It's annoying because I then have to change the font color on each blog entry so it matches. I hope that it doesn't send out a notification to all of you each time I edit a blog entry. Please let me know if it does because I don't want to annoy everyone.
Well, that's all that I can bore you with for now. I think that I just managed to talk about absolutely nothing. Until the next time I have something to ramble on about, I hope that you all are happy, doing well, and warm!
Wow!
Where I am this week:
Still just figuring everything out with the Lupus and what that's going to mean for my daily life. I just want to be well informed and to know what to do. I was experiencing some pretty bad pain and was told by my rheumatologist to go to the ER and that I might need to be admitted. We went to the ER, got some testing done, and some meds and luckily I didn't need to be admitted.
One thing that I am sick of is needles. I use to have great veins, but I think that due to their over use recently they are not performing well. Now when I need anything done it requires MULTIPLE sticks. When I was in the ICU this year they eventually just put in a PICC line. I wish that was something that I could do every time. Plus, for some reason my skin is super-sensitive right now and the tourniquet absolutely kills me. My heart starts beating fast when I know a stick is coming, which is so strange for me coming from the medical field.
I'm also waiting for AF to make her grand appearance. I've been cramping for the past 2 days and I wish she would just show up already. I don't feel like dealing with AF and the accompanying pain this month. Can't I just skip it? Wouldn't it be great if we had an off switch?
The biggest news this week is about the love and generosity of my in-laws. I have definitely been blessed in the in-law department. They are close and so loving and have embraced me into the family. It's wonderful! My dh told me that his sister and her husband talked and wanted to offer being a surrogate for us should we ever need one. WHAT? WOW!!!! I'm so unbelievably touched, amazed, and thankful. For them to offer this with out us even asking is so... WOW! To think that they would think of us in that way. What a selfless, amazing, HUGE gift. Plus his sister is just amazing and I couldn't think of anyone else who would do a better job of carrying our baby. DH was kinda shocked at first because he didn't completely understand surrogacy and that it would be his swimmers and MY egg, not his sisters. Still, I guess technically his sister would be carrying his baby, lol, but who would be better for it than family? Of course, we're hoping that I will be able to carry our children myself, but I'm so relieved and thankful that we have another option should the need arise. Thank you sister! We love you so much!
Still just figuring everything out with the Lupus and what that's going to mean for my daily life. I just want to be well informed and to know what to do. I was experiencing some pretty bad pain and was told by my rheumatologist to go to the ER and that I might need to be admitted. We went to the ER, got some testing done, and some meds and luckily I didn't need to be admitted.
One thing that I am sick of is needles. I use to have great veins, but I think that due to their over use recently they are not performing well. Now when I need anything done it requires MULTIPLE sticks. When I was in the ICU this year they eventually just put in a PICC line. I wish that was something that I could do every time. Plus, for some reason my skin is super-sensitive right now and the tourniquet absolutely kills me. My heart starts beating fast when I know a stick is coming, which is so strange for me coming from the medical field.
I'm also waiting for AF to make her grand appearance. I've been cramping for the past 2 days and I wish she would just show up already. I don't feel like dealing with AF and the accompanying pain this month. Can't I just skip it? Wouldn't it be great if we had an off switch?
The biggest news this week is about the love and generosity of my in-laws. I have definitely been blessed in the in-law department. They are close and so loving and have embraced me into the family. It's wonderful! My dh told me that his sister and her husband talked and wanted to offer being a surrogate for us should we ever need one. WHAT? WOW!!!! I'm so unbelievably touched, amazed, and thankful. For them to offer this with out us even asking is so... WOW! To think that they would think of us in that way. What a selfless, amazing, HUGE gift. Plus his sister is just amazing and I couldn't think of anyone else who would do a better job of carrying our baby. DH was kinda shocked at first because he didn't completely understand surrogacy and that it would be his swimmers and MY egg, not his sisters. Still, I guess technically his sister would be carrying his baby, lol, but who would be better for it than family? Of course, we're hoping that I will be able to carry our children myself, but I'm so relieved and thankful that we have another option should the need arise. Thank you sister! We love you so much!
And the word is...
Today I had my rheumatology appointment. After reviewing my labs and my current symptoms/health problems the doctor is pretty certain that I have Lupus (specifically Systemic Lupus Erythematosus- SLE) and that it is currently affecting several organ systems; my brain, chest, intestines, and kidneys. I had 27 labs drawn today, yes 27! She rushed those labs and I will follow up with her next week to find out for sure and what the treatment plan will be. We definitely need to be aggressive and it needs to be treated seriously. She said that they may admit me to the hospital next week and that if any of my symptoms increase in severity before then that I need to go and be admitted to the hospital and start treatment. Scary! This goes for the future too. Any time I have any sort of problem I need to be seen immediately.
Most likely I will start on high dose steroids, aspirin, or immunosuppressants. I'm going to be very interested to find out more information and to see how this is going to effect my daily life. I read that in the '50's people with Lupus were given a 4 year life expectancy, but now with 20 years of the disease the life expectancy is now 78%. As far as fertility, Lupus causes recurrent miscarriages due to blood clots. It's not something that I like to talk about often, but I've had 4 miscarriages that I'm aware of. The rheumatologist states that it's very possible that as far as conceiving Lupus may be my only hurdle (of course as long as the endo is under control) and that with treatment I should be able to conceive naturally and carry a pregnancy to term. That seems too good to be true! My pregnancy would be considered high risk and it would be a joint effort between a high-risk ob/gyn, rheumatology, hematology, and pulmonology. Over 50% of Lupus patients deliver their babies pre-term.
This is all just some of the information that comes with Lupus and there is so much more to learn and know, but it's all a bit overwhelming to consume at once. So, where does this blog go? My Journey to Conceive with Endometriosis and Lupus? That's a mouthful. When I told my family about everything they were very scared and I just kept saying "it's going to be okay". My husband kept asking how I feel and I kept saying "I'm okay. I'm fine. It's no big deal" or something to that effect. But just between you and I, I'm scared! What is this going to mean for me? I always assumed that feeling crappy and my CONSTANT parade of doctors appointments would come to an end. Once it's under control how often will I have flare ups? How sick can I get? Am I going to die? I just need to remember to rein in my emotions because freaking out isn't going to help the situation at all.
**For those that may not be aware, Lupus is an autoimmune disorder where your body can't tell what's good and what's bad and therefore attacks itself**
Most likely I will start on high dose steroids, aspirin, or immunosuppressants. I'm going to be very interested to find out more information and to see how this is going to effect my daily life. I read that in the '50's people with Lupus were given a 4 year life expectancy, but now with 20 years of the disease the life expectancy is now 78%. As far as fertility, Lupus causes recurrent miscarriages due to blood clots. It's not something that I like to talk about often, but I've had 4 miscarriages that I'm aware of. The rheumatologist states that it's very possible that as far as conceiving Lupus may be my only hurdle (of course as long as the endo is under control) and that with treatment I should be able to conceive naturally and carry a pregnancy to term. That seems too good to be true! My pregnancy would be considered high risk and it would be a joint effort between a high-risk ob/gyn, rheumatology, hematology, and pulmonology. Over 50% of Lupus patients deliver their babies pre-term.
This is all just some of the information that comes with Lupus and there is so much more to learn and know, but it's all a bit overwhelming to consume at once. So, where does this blog go? My Journey to Conceive with Endometriosis and Lupus? That's a mouthful. When I told my family about everything they were very scared and I just kept saying "it's going to be okay". My husband kept asking how I feel and I kept saying "I'm okay. I'm fine. It's no big deal" or something to that effect. But just between you and I, I'm scared! What is this going to mean for me? I always assumed that feeling crappy and my CONSTANT parade of doctors appointments would come to an end. Once it's under control how often will I have flare ups? How sick can I get? Am I going to die? I just need to remember to rein in my emotions because freaking out isn't going to help the situation at all.
**For those that may not be aware, Lupus is an autoimmune disorder where your body can't tell what's good and what's bad and therefore attacks itself**
One Confused Kitty, Pt. 2: The Mistake
Most of the people in my life are aware of my ttc struggle and most are also up to date on where we are in the journey right now (doing IUI soon, blah, blah, blah). Therefore, I really didn't think anything of it when I posted the kitty and the bassinet picture (from my previous post) on to my facebook page. I just wanted to share the cuteness. It makes me smile! Apparently I should have thought of it because I got a bunch of comments on it along the lines of "Are you guys pregnant?", "Are you??", "WHAT THE!!!".
Hmmm, okay, didn't see that one coming. I guess I should have. But really who honestly thinks that I would announce my pregnancy to my family via facebook? Oh well. Then I got a little sad. I really wish that was an announcement that I could make right now. That would just make my heart burst with unimagineable joy. It kind of took me by surprise too because, like I said, I'm in an okay place right now. Apparently the Lord got the message that I was at my emotional breaking point (I really, really was) and He decided to bless me with a heart of peace and faith. I've been okay with where I am right now and have had a sence of just knowing that it's going to happen for us one day. (Hopefully soon, right God, wink wink). So I'm having a minor set back today. It happens, right.
I'm planning on thoroughly distracting myself today with studying for two major tests. But what I would really like to know is what you ladies do to distract yourself or take your mind to a more peaceful place when your heart is feeling heavy????
Hmmm, okay, didn't see that one coming. I guess I should have. But really who honestly thinks that I would announce my pregnancy to my family via facebook? Oh well. Then I got a little sad. I really wish that was an announcement that I could make right now. That would just make my heart burst with unimagineable joy. It kind of took me by surprise too because, like I said, I'm in an okay place right now. Apparently the Lord got the message that I was at my emotional breaking point (I really, really was) and He decided to bless me with a heart of peace and faith. I've been okay with where I am right now and have had a sence of just knowing that it's going to happen for us one day. (Hopefully soon, right God, wink wink). So I'm having a minor set back today. It happens, right.
I'm planning on thoroughly distracting myself today with studying for two major tests. But what I would really like to know is what you ladies do to distract yourself or take your mind to a more peaceful place when your heart is feeling heavy????
One Confused Kitty
A little over a year ago (pre-endometriosis diagnosis) my neighbor was getting rid of her bassinet because her son was far too big for it and she was kind enough to give it to us. She keeps her stuff in phenomenal condition and it couldn't have been in better condition if it was brand new. Even though it had already been 2 years of trying, I hadn't seen the fertility doc yet and still had hope that everything was fine and that we would be expecting at any time. Soooo.... obviously this bassinet has been sitting there unused for over a year and my cats have now adopted it as their home. Now there is NO way I would ever put a baby in there, so I should just reclaim the space it's taking up and throw it away, but I don't have the heart. The cats love it so much! I guess I'll wait until we have to buy an actual crib. I'm such a sucker. Without further delay here is my species confused cat who thinks that he is a baby. Feel free to oooh and awww over my little bundle of joy.
Touched To The Depth Of My Soul
I found this blog due to a post from one of my favorite bloggers Kandee Johnson. I have found myself unable to stop reading. Nie is the most inspiring and beautiful woman I have ever "met". She is 28 years old and a year ago she and her husband were in a plane crash that nearly took her life. After suffering from burns to 83% of her body, being in a coma, and being in the hospital for 5 months she is now recovering. What is so amazing is that after all of that she is still able to focus on her amazing husband, 4 beautiful children, and her love for the Lord. She is so beautiful and her writing is so soothing. If you are able I highly recommend that you check her out here.
Just Kidding
Well we are having terrible weather here and the city is basically shut down. The military base is closed (yay for dh getting the day off), the college is closed (there goes the exam I was suppose to take today), but the bad news is except for emergencies the naval hospital is closed. So I wasn't able to go to the lab to get my urine hcg and my HSG is cancelled for tomorrow. They told me to call on Monday to re-schedule. Who knows if I'll be able to get it done this month or not. It's always sad to have a ttc month flushed down the toilet, but I'm actually doing pretty well. I just feel a lot of indifference today. I say today because you ladies know our emotions can change from day to day. For today I'm just going to take ttc as it comes and trust God's journey... today. Honestly I think my tubes are fine. We're just going to hunker down for the next few days and try to stay dry. I hate crazy weather. They're advising for anyone who is home to stay home and not venture out. No problem! I just got a yummy Starbuck's cafe mocha on my way home from my wasted hospital trip and now I'm going to enjoy! Mmmmmmm.
I'm just saying...
I'm getting an HSG on Friday. Yes, Friday the 13th, and it's my first one while awake and I must say that I'm very nervous. I'm not looking forward to the discomfort and I just hope that the person who is doing it is very fast. Oooooh I wish that they would just knock me out for it!
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my!
Right now I feel scared, sad, heavy hearted, and eager. This has been a tough few weeks for me. It started with something I can't get into with this being a public forum, but it's something that each one of you IF girls has gone through and makes each one of us sad. That really knocked me on my butt and I went through an emotional down spin. I guess I just reached my breaking point. I still haven't fully recovered, but I'm doing a little better... and then I received some scary news.
As I said in my last post, I just started seeing a new doctor, and in doing so she did a bunch of labs (some new and some repeat), so that we could decide which way to go. I really thought that doing this was a waste of time and just wanted to get the show on the road. However, last week she called me and said that there were some problems with my labs that we would discuss at my next appointment, but that she was also concerned that I have an autoimmune disorder (like Lupus) and wanted to send me to see a Rheumatologist. She said that the positive labs (ANA) could just be from my Raynaud's, but that some other issues and lab results are causing her to think it may be an autoimmune disorder. Literally five minutes later my pulmonologist (for a separate issues) called me and said that due to a pleural effusion and some other red flags he thinks that I may have an autoimmune disorder!!!! WHAT?!?! How crazy is it that two doctors called me within 5 minutes of eachother saying the same thing! I was so scared after that and so worried that I had to clean and do laundry non-stop to distract myself. I want to find out what is keeping us from conceiving and I want to fix that problem, but I never expected anything serious to be wrong. So, I have an appointment on the 24th with Rheumatology to get to the bottom of this. It's scary to think that my journey may get more rocky.
Today I had my appointment with IF to discuss my labs, besides what she told me above, and she said that my testosterone is on the high end of normal for fertile folks, but for someone with difficulties getting pregnant it's high. A non-traditional therapy that they do (and have had successful pregnancies result) is to treat it with the diabetic medication Metformin. Something else was flip-flopped as well (sorry it's been a long day and I can't remember exactly what it was) and that's why I need clomid. As for the game plan, after I get cleared with Rheumatology, she recommends that we do go ahead with the monitored clomid and IUI cycles. I also have to repeat a HSG since it's been about a year since I've had that done. I'm just nervous because last time I was knocked out cold since they did it during my endo surgery. I know it's going to be uncomfortable and I can't wait to get it over with!
So that's where I am right now. I have to tell you that I'm very scared and very sad. I feel worried that I'm never going to be able to have children and I feel very alone. My heart feels very heavy and I find myself crying at random moments. I so desperately want children. And I'll be honest, right now I'm having a difficult time in my relationship with God. I don't understand why I'm having to go through this. People say that you should never give up hope, but sometimes having hope is very painful. Right now I'm going to just close my eyes and picture my beautiful little baby and attempt to be still and wait for the Lord.
As I said in my last post, I just started seeing a new doctor, and in doing so she did a bunch of labs (some new and some repeat), so that we could decide which way to go. I really thought that doing this was a waste of time and just wanted to get the show on the road. However, last week she called me and said that there were some problems with my labs that we would discuss at my next appointment, but that she was also concerned that I have an autoimmune disorder (like Lupus) and wanted to send me to see a Rheumatologist. She said that the positive labs (ANA) could just be from my Raynaud's, but that some other issues and lab results are causing her to think it may be an autoimmune disorder. Literally five minutes later my pulmonologist (for a separate issues) called me and said that due to a pleural effusion and some other red flags he thinks that I may have an autoimmune disorder!!!! WHAT?!?! How crazy is it that two doctors called me within 5 minutes of eachother saying the same thing! I was so scared after that and so worried that I had to clean and do laundry non-stop to distract myself. I want to find out what is keeping us from conceiving and I want to fix that problem, but I never expected anything serious to be wrong. So, I have an appointment on the 24th with Rheumatology to get to the bottom of this. It's scary to think that my journey may get more rocky.
Today I had my appointment with IF to discuss my labs, besides what she told me above, and she said that my testosterone is on the high end of normal for fertile folks, but for someone with difficulties getting pregnant it's high. A non-traditional therapy that they do (and have had successful pregnancies result) is to treat it with the diabetic medication Metformin. Something else was flip-flopped as well (sorry it's been a long day and I can't remember exactly what it was) and that's why I need clomid. As for the game plan, after I get cleared with Rheumatology, she recommends that we do go ahead with the monitored clomid and IUI cycles. I also have to repeat a HSG since it's been about a year since I've had that done. I'm just nervous because last time I was knocked out cold since they did it during my endo surgery. I know it's going to be uncomfortable and I can't wait to get it over with!
So that's where I am right now. I have to tell you that I'm very scared and very sad. I feel worried that I'm never going to be able to have children and I feel very alone. My heart feels very heavy and I find myself crying at random moments. I so desperately want children. And I'll be honest, right now I'm having a difficult time in my relationship with God. I don't understand why I'm having to go through this. People say that you should never give up hope, but sometimes having hope is very painful. Right now I'm going to just close my eyes and picture my beautiful little baby and attempt to be still and wait for the Lord.
The Snowball Effect
You know sometimes the better you try to make yourself the worse you end up feeling. That is a lesson that I learned this week. Sunday night I had a really bad headache and kidney pain (I'm the reining kidney stone queen). I decided that I was going to take two diuladid and was sure that after that I would feel so much better. An hour later my head was still killing me. I had some fiorecet left over from the horrible headaches that I got while on Lupron (doesn't this just sound like a bad idea already). I did the smart thing and called Walgreens and asked the pharmacist if it was okay for me to take a fiorecet after recently taking diuladid. She assured me that there was no adverse drug reactions between the two. With that information and having taken both medications before I assumed everything would be fine.
A little while after taking the fiorecet I started to itch/burn from head to toe. No big deal, I usually itch a little bit with diuladid and just take a benadryl. So I took a benadryl and then fell asleep. I woke up long enough to eat as sub that dh had brought me for dinner and then fell asleep on the couch again while we were watching television. When I woke up dh said "Babe you really just need to go to bed. You have bags under your eyes". Hahahaha ummm NOT!! I went and looked in the mirror and my eyes were swollen! I took another benadryl, called it a night, and assumed I would be fine in the morning. It was not a fun night, my throat hurt, my muscles ached, my chest was tight, and my back felt like it had a pinched nerve and I could NOT get comfortable. In the morning my eyes were still swollen, as were my nose and upper lip and my back was just as miserable. I finally went to the ER and they gave me IV benadryl and something to relax my back. The kicker is that even after all of that I still had a headache! What's up with that! Getting the IV in sucked because my skin was hypersensitive, so having the tournequet on was so painful.
My face still has some swelling and the skin around my eyes is sore, but hopefully it will go away soon. Apparently it can take 2-9 days for symptoms to go away following an allergic reaction. I still don't know exactly what I reacted to. I do have some food allergies, so maybe there was something in the sandwich, but the ER doc felt that my body had a reaction to the two drugs combined. Crazy! I will mark this one down as a lesson learned!
In good news I'm having an awesome ovulation cycle this month, the best I've had in awhile. So we'll be having our bd festival here and hoping for the best!
A little while after taking the fiorecet I started to itch/burn from head to toe. No big deal, I usually itch a little bit with diuladid and just take a benadryl. So I took a benadryl and then fell asleep. I woke up long enough to eat as sub that dh had brought me for dinner and then fell asleep on the couch again while we were watching television. When I woke up dh said "Babe you really just need to go to bed. You have bags under your eyes". Hahahaha ummm NOT!! I went and looked in the mirror and my eyes were swollen! I took another benadryl, called it a night, and assumed I would be fine in the morning. It was not a fun night, my throat hurt, my muscles ached, my chest was tight, and my back felt like it had a pinched nerve and I could NOT get comfortable. In the morning my eyes were still swollen, as were my nose and upper lip and my back was just as miserable. I finally went to the ER and they gave me IV benadryl and something to relax my back. The kicker is that even after all of that I still had a headache! What's up with that! Getting the IV in sucked because my skin was hypersensitive, so having the tournequet on was so painful.
My face still has some swelling and the skin around my eyes is sore, but hopefully it will go away soon. Apparently it can take 2-9 days for symptoms to go away following an allergic reaction. I still don't know exactly what I reacted to. I do have some food allergies, so maybe there was something in the sandwich, but the ER doc felt that my body had a reaction to the two drugs combined. Crazy! I will mark this one down as a lesson learned!
In good news I'm having an awesome ovulation cycle this month, the best I've had in awhile. So we'll be having our bd festival here and hoping for the best!
Whateva
So my next appointment to find out the big game plan is November 3rd. I was hoping to get in sooner, but what can I do about it? Nada. At least it's not a month away or longer. I'm trying to look at the positive side. To be honest, I don't really see why I need an appointment for this anyways. It seems to me that it would be more time effective if she just called me, informed me of my lab results, and let me know what our next step is and when we can do it. I can't wait to find out what we will be doing for sure and to let all of you know as well.
In other news... fall has definitely arrived. A lot of the leaves are turning already and I'm going to be so sad when the trees are all naked. It's so much prettier with them. It's also started to get a lot colder. I'm such a baby when it's cold. I'm one of those freaks that enjoys 100 degree weather and if I can have some humidity with that I'm even happier. The cold is also made more difficult because I have Raynaud's. Such a nuisance, but DH and I went shopping for some new cold weather clothes recently and it should definitely help keep me warm. Now I just need to find some new jeans and some new gloves. I'm very picky when it comes to what jeans I like and I'm really having a hard time finding a pair or two. Any suggestions? For some reason the malls around here only want to carry the skinny leg jeans. I think they are okay, but they're just not for me. DH and I have also been adding some much needed decorations to our house. I'm not too good at it (some people just aren't blessed with the eye) but luckily he is. We've found some really cute stuff and I can't wait to do more. Does anyone know a good place to order curtains for a GREAT price?
Well, unfortunately I now need to go out in the rain and go to Biology class. Today is the perfect day to just snuggle in a blanket at home with some cocoa! I hope everyone is having a great day!
In other news... fall has definitely arrived. A lot of the leaves are turning already and I'm going to be so sad when the trees are all naked. It's so much prettier with them. It's also started to get a lot colder. I'm such a baby when it's cold. I'm one of those freaks that enjoys 100 degree weather and if I can have some humidity with that I'm even happier. The cold is also made more difficult because I have Raynaud's. Such a nuisance, but DH and I went shopping for some new cold weather clothes recently and it should definitely help keep me warm. Now I just need to find some new jeans and some new gloves. I'm very picky when it comes to what jeans I like and I'm really having a hard time finding a pair or two. Any suggestions? For some reason the malls around here only want to carry the skinny leg jeans. I think they are okay, but they're just not for me. DH and I have also been adding some much needed decorations to our house. I'm not too good at it (some people just aren't blessed with the eye) but luckily he is. We've found some really cute stuff and I can't wait to do more. Does anyone know a good place to order curtains for a GREAT price?
Well, unfortunately I now need to go out in the rain and go to Biology class. Today is the perfect day to just snuggle in a blanket at home with some cocoa! I hope everyone is having a great day!
Hard times
Today is one of those days. I'm having a down day where I'm really struggling with the feelings that come with infertility, not being pregnant, and not having a baby yet. I don't want to carry this burden, learn this lesson, or deal with any of the reasons why God has chosen me for this struggle. My heart is just really heavy and really hurts right now. I want to have my beautiful family and give my husband a reflection of himself. It's also difficult not knowing the future. I'm positive that God wants me to be happy and for all of my deep desires to be fulfilled and I know he will bless me with a family. But how long will I have to wait and is this promised family going to come in the package that I really desire it to? I don't know. I have so many questions and just wish that God could sit down with me and let me in on His secrets. I also think what makes things more difficult is being stagnant. Things seem like they are easier to deal with when I'm working on a specific game plan and actively doing something towards my goal. Tomorrow I go for my day 3 blood work and then I'm allowed to schedule a follow up appointment. Here's to hoping I can get in soon and that I will get nothing but happy news.
In so much pain!
Yesterday AF came and I was surprised by how much pain I wasn't in. I even commented about it on someone's blog. BIG MISTAKE. I woke up this morning with the heaviest, nastiest flow and now I'm in so much pain. Not fun! I could seriously cry. To top it off I have to go to class (for those who haven't read it already in my previous post somewhere, I'm finally cracking down and getting my biology degree). So in order to survive and not make a spectacle of myself I took half a vicodin. It has taken the edge off the pain, but now I'm getting sleepy. That doesn't really mix with a 3 hour history lecture! Endometriosis sucks! I'm so sick of it. I want to have normal periods and I want to be able to have children without difficulty. Lord please heal me!
Tick tock....
So my doctor said that before I could schedule my next appointment and make a solid new game plan that both my husband and I needed to get more blood work and I needed to get an ultrasound. DH got his blood work and I got my ultrasound (transvag...YAY....NOT). So now I'm just waiting to get my blood work done, which has to be done on day 3 of my cycle. That's a little over two weeks away. Hopefully once I get that done I won't have to wait too long to be able to be seen. I hate it when you can only get an appointment a month out. Come on father time and pass on by!
Here I go again!
Okay, I know that I'm putting the cart before the horse because I haven't gotten complete confirmation that we're going to be doing an IUI (the doc just said that is most likely what we'll be doing), but I like to know everything as soon as possible and I like to over think and over worry. So this post if for the ladies that have done everything before me... What do you think of IUI's? What was the experience like for you? What can I expect? What's the prep and procedure like? I know my doctor will explain all of this when we get to it, but I would like to here it from you guys.
appointment
Well... I'm not pregnant. I had a really hard time with it. I thought for sure that I was and allowed myself to get excited. AF came and I had a really difficult few days. Now I'm back on track and re-focused.
Today I met with the new infertility doc. I like her and the appointment went well. Unfortunately I have to back track a little bit and she wants to repeat my labs that I did with the last doctor and do another ultrasound. I HATE transvaginal ultrasounds! Oh well, it's necessary and worth it in the end. She also said that (pending my lab results) we will most likely be doing high dose clomid with an IUI. Before this appointment I pretty much knew that my only other option was going to be IUI or IVF. I was nervous about this because my insurance doesn't cover it and I thought it was going to be way too expensive for us to be able to afford. Thank the Lord IUI's will only cost us $110 per session. That's still a lot of money, but at least it is manageable and not in the thousands like IVF. So now I just need to wait for my next cycle so I can do the blood work.
Today I met with the new infertility doc. I like her and the appointment went well. Unfortunately I have to back track a little bit and she wants to repeat my labs that I did with the last doctor and do another ultrasound. I HATE transvaginal ultrasounds! Oh well, it's necessary and worth it in the end. She also said that (pending my lab results) we will most likely be doing high dose clomid with an IUI. Before this appointment I pretty much knew that my only other option was going to be IUI or IVF. I was nervous about this because my insurance doesn't cover it and I thought it was going to be way too expensive for us to be able to afford. Thank the Lord IUI's will only cost us $110 per session. That's still a lot of money, but at least it is manageable and not in the thousands like IVF. So now I just need to wait for my next cycle so I can do the blood work.
I don't know what to think
I'm down in the dumps. I was so sure and so positive that this was going to be the month that I got pregnant. I've even been having a lot of pregnancy symptoms. My husband made me POAS last week and again a few days ago. I told him that it was definitely too early for that, but he figured if I was having symptoms then it should turn positive even if it's too early. Silly man. However, this morning should have been enough time and it was still a BFN. I don't understand! AF is FOUR days late and I really feel like I'm pregnant, but the tests all say negative. I'm so bummed. I've had a really tough time with it today. I cried out to God and poured my heart out to Him. I know that things are all in His timing and according to His will, but why can't that be now? Am I doing something wrong? Why if I want something so badly, and it hurts me so badly to not have it, does God not want that for me as well? I know this is something all of us struggle with and I know that tomorrow will be a better day.
Happy Day, Oh Happy Day!!!!
Bye, bye Lupron!!!! I'm so happy because Lupron is officially out of my system (ahead of schedule by the way) and I am ovulating right now! WOOHOO! Even though I got the low dose monthly injection of Lupron I was afraid that it was going to take forever for my body to return to normal and that I would have to wait a long time before I was even able to start TTC again. I read stories of some women not getting their cycles back for 6+ months. Luckily that is not the case for me! I know that I said I was going to put off TTC for awhile because of everything my body had been through and needing a rest, but who am I kidding?!?! I want a baby so darn bad and other than being really tired, I feel great now. Even though Lupron was HORRIBLE at least I didn't have to deal with a painful period on top of everything else.
Also, when I had my surgery (hiatal hernia repair) on 7/20 my surgeon was so sweet and went ahead and took pictures of my endometriosis for me. It didn't even cross my mind to ask him to do that, he just did it out of the kindness in his heart. AWWWW! I guess Lupron did its job because I had hardly any endo tissue there! That is so encouraging. So who knows, Lord willing, I just might be able to conceive on my own this month. How awesome would that be to go to my infertility appointment on 9/9 and actually be pregnant! I'm going to practice a lot of positive thinking and thankful prayer this month. I'm not going to stress or worry about it at all. I'm just going to act as if I AM going to get pregnant this month. That's what normal fertile people do right?
In additional good news, I finally got everything straightened out with my referral. Honestly the military clinic is so frustrating. Every time I called it was a different story on how I need to go about getting a referral processed. The lady that was "helping" me stopped returning my calls and then I found out that she's out of the office for awhile. So I finally was able to talk to a nurse that was willing to help and it only took sending a phone note back to the doctor explaining my situation and it was all taken care of. Now it's just up to my insurance company to approve it. I don't see why they wouldn't. They've been great so far.
So... that's me right now. I hope that all of you ladies out there are having a fabulous week and that your weekend will be even better!
Also, when I had my surgery (hiatal hernia repair) on 7/20 my surgeon was so sweet and went ahead and took pictures of my endometriosis for me. It didn't even cross my mind to ask him to do that, he just did it out of the kindness in his heart. AWWWW! I guess Lupron did its job because I had hardly any endo tissue there! That is so encouraging. So who knows, Lord willing, I just might be able to conceive on my own this month. How awesome would that be to go to my infertility appointment on 9/9 and actually be pregnant! I'm going to practice a lot of positive thinking and thankful prayer this month. I'm not going to stress or worry about it at all. I'm just going to act as if I AM going to get pregnant this month. That's what normal fertile people do right?
In additional good news, I finally got everything straightened out with my referral. Honestly the military clinic is so frustrating. Every time I called it was a different story on how I need to go about getting a referral processed. The lady that was "helping" me stopped returning my calls and then I found out that she's out of the office for awhile. So I finally was able to talk to a nurse that was willing to help and it only took sending a phone note back to the doctor explaining my situation and it was all taken care of. Now it's just up to my insurance company to approve it. I don't see why they wouldn't. They've been great so far.
So... that's me right now. I hope that all of you ladies out there are having a fabulous week and that your weekend will be even better!
I got a blog award!
Thank you Devon! I'm so honored that you thought of me and thank you so much for the words of encouragement that you given me. I received the "One Lovely Blog Award" and here are the rules:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who granted the award and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have recently discovered.
Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
I don't know if you're allowed to pass this on to people that have already received it, so if that's against the rules or taboo, I'm sorry. I don't know a whole lot of people on here yet (I really want to change that) and some people that have already received it I really think that you have "one lovely blog" and I don't mind honoring you again.
1. Emily
2. Mommy Wanna-Be
3. Jen
4. My Journey with Endometriosis
5. Sew
6. Tiffany & Zach
7. Kelli
8. We're Expecting
9. Lindsey
I don't know if you're allowed to pass this on to people that have already received it, so if that's against the rules or taboo, I'm sorry. I don't know a whole lot of people on here yet (I really want to change that) and some people that have already received it I really think that you have "one lovely blog" and I don't mind honoring you again.
1. Emily
2. Mommy Wanna-Be
3. Jen
4. My Journey with Endometriosis
5. Sew
6. Tiffany & Zach
7. Kelli
8. We're Expecting
9. Lindsey
Tired of setbacks!
I'm so frustrated/sad! I'm not going to be able to go to my appointment on Wednesday because I've had problems with my insurance company. I have Tricare, which has been great, but to go to any specialist you need to get a referral from your primary. In the civilian world that might be easy enough, but I get seen at a military clinic and they are ridiculous!
To go off on a mini side tangent... I can't tell you how many times they have broke HIPAA laws and I don't like to be mean, but I seriously question the doctors that they have. I've gotten the worst medical advice there! You would really laugh at some of the stuff they have told me. This one doctor said that I had fibrocystic lumps in my breasts and enlarged lymph nodes due to shaving irritation in my armpits. First of all, that's ridiculous by itself, but even more ridiculous being that I had no shaving irritation in my armpits! Okay, back to my point.
I thought that my ob/gyn had everything set up and ready to go as far as my referral because they set me up with my appointment at the infertility specialist and I didn't think to ask if there was anything else I needed to do. Then I had the whole fiasco of being in the ICU and once I got settled back at home I checked on tricare.com and there was no referral. So I called my ob/gyn and they said that I need to do that through my primary. I've spoken to several people at my primary doctor's and I get a different answer every time on how I can get a referral processed. I finally was able to leave a voicemail with a woman that supposedly handles this stuff and after a few times of playing phone tag she is now not returning my calls. It would be easier to just go up there, but I can't drive yet due to a fainting spell and continued dizziness and with my husband's work schedule he can't take me there. So, now I need to reschedule my appointment and who knows how far out that will be!
The next tidbit of news is the most frustrating. Every time I get started on fertility treatments the military decides that would be a perfect time to deploy my husband. After my lap I was suppose to do two consecutive months of Clomid. After the first the military deployed my husband! I was suppose to start it again... and you can guess what happened! Now I just finished the horrible Lupron therapy and am suppose to start a new game plan. Well, we finally found out when my husband is deploying & of course it is October 1st, around the time that I'm suppose to get my cycle back after Lupron & start Clomid again. I am grateful that he's going on a 3 month deployment instead of the typical 7 month deployment, but it's still hard to wait. I should take this as God showing me that now is not the time for me to get pregnant, but it's hard for me to hear that. My body does need the rest after all that it has been through lately. I still have a lot of healing to do from my last surgery/hospitilazation. It's just so difficult! I see all of these pregnant women around me and the only thing I can think is "when is it my turn?"
I think that I will still schedule an appointment for as soon as I can and at least get what ever I need to do done and come up with a game plan so that when the hubster comes home we're all set to go. That is assuming they don't try to send him somewhere again! UGGHHHHH! Faith in God, faith in God, He's got my back! I need to stop worrying!
To go off on a mini side tangent... I can't tell you how many times they have broke HIPAA laws and I don't like to be mean, but I seriously question the doctors that they have. I've gotten the worst medical advice there! You would really laugh at some of the stuff they have told me. This one doctor said that I had fibrocystic lumps in my breasts and enlarged lymph nodes due to shaving irritation in my armpits. First of all, that's ridiculous by itself, but even more ridiculous being that I had no shaving irritation in my armpits! Okay, back to my point.
I thought that my ob/gyn had everything set up and ready to go as far as my referral because they set me up with my appointment at the infertility specialist and I didn't think to ask if there was anything else I needed to do. Then I had the whole fiasco of being in the ICU and once I got settled back at home I checked on tricare.com and there was no referral. So I called my ob/gyn and they said that I need to do that through my primary. I've spoken to several people at my primary doctor's and I get a different answer every time on how I can get a referral processed. I finally was able to leave a voicemail with a woman that supposedly handles this stuff and after a few times of playing phone tag she is now not returning my calls. It would be easier to just go up there, but I can't drive yet due to a fainting spell and continued dizziness and with my husband's work schedule he can't take me there. So, now I need to reschedule my appointment and who knows how far out that will be!
The next tidbit of news is the most frustrating. Every time I get started on fertility treatments the military decides that would be a perfect time to deploy my husband. After my lap I was suppose to do two consecutive months of Clomid. After the first the military deployed my husband! I was suppose to start it again... and you can guess what happened! Now I just finished the horrible Lupron therapy and am suppose to start a new game plan. Well, we finally found out when my husband is deploying & of course it is October 1st, around the time that I'm suppose to get my cycle back after Lupron & start Clomid again. I am grateful that he's going on a 3 month deployment instead of the typical 7 month deployment, but it's still hard to wait. I should take this as God showing me that now is not the time for me to get pregnant, but it's hard for me to hear that. My body does need the rest after all that it has been through lately. I still have a lot of healing to do from my last surgery/hospitilazation. It's just so difficult! I see all of these pregnant women around me and the only thing I can think is "when is it my turn?"
I think that I will still schedule an appointment for as soon as I can and at least get what ever I need to do done and come up with a game plan so that when the hubster comes home we're all set to go. That is assuming they don't try to send him somewhere again! UGGHHHHH! Faith in God, faith in God, He's got my back! I need to stop worrying!
Approaching appointment
My appointment for the fertility specialist is getting closer (It's on August 12th) and I'm getting excited and nervous. I'm excited because I'm hopeful that they will have a treatment plan that we will be on board with and that will be covered by our insurance (IVF and stuff like that isn't) and I'm nervous because I don't want them to tell me that our only chance is something that we can't afford right now or for them to recommend Lupron again. I really really don't want to do that. I felt so horrible on Lupron & to some extent still do. The side effects were truly horrible and got worse past my last entry. Let me just say that hot flashes and night sweats suck and those were the least of my problems! I'm also nervous that due to my recent issues and hospitalization that they will tell me I need to wait awhile. The time before my husband goes on deployment again is a ticking time bomb. They keep changing which deployment they want him to go on (his entire unit doesn't deploy at once. They have numerous 'detachments' and so someone is constantly deploying) and it could be anytime from September to January and he will be gone for about 7 months. Don't even get me started on that. I don't want to be without my husband for 7 months! He's my rock and I hate being away from him. Add on top of that desperately wanting to get pregnant before he leaves so that I don't have to put things off for another 7 months and you have one stressed mommy wanna-be! So right now I'm going to let go and give it to God. Well, that's my goal. At the very least I'll have a good conversation with God and pray for myself to not get so stressed and worry filled.
On hold again
This will be very short because I'm not feeling well. I went in for my hiatal hernia repair on monday, had some complications after surgery and I ended up in the hospital for 6 days with most of it being in the ICU, very sick, with the doctors not being able to figure out what's wrong and how to get me better. It has been a very, very scary week. I'll fill in more details later on as I feel better. But, the basics is that my body is too worn down right now and has been through too much, so my husband and I have decided to hold off on any more Lupron shots and any trying to conceive until I'm feeling better and my body has had a chance to fully heal. It's always difficult emotionally to have a setback, but I'm okay with it right now because I need the break. I'll still be checking in with all of you as I have the strength and I'll write more when I can.
Inspiring scripture
Last night I had a rough night with another attack of severe pelvic pain. I thought that the pain with Lupron was only suppose to last the first few days, but here I am almost due for my 2nd shot, still having waves of pain. It was really bad and to top it off my breasts were killing me. The pain even spread out to the lymph nodes in my armpits. My trusty heating pad helped some, but I was really starting to lose it and felt like I couldn't take it anymore.
I opened up my bible to the subject guide and began looking for verses on pain. I came across James 1:2-8. I have a NIV bible, so it reads...
I opened up my bible to the subject guide and began looking for verses on pain. I came across James 1:2-8. I have a NIV bible, so it reads...
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does".
WOW! This speaks to me in so many ways. First off, I've always felt that I was going through this trial for a reason and that perhaps God was whispering to me that it was to build my faith and my "completeness" (I don't know if that's the correct word to capture what I mean, but I hope you understand where I'm coming from) as a christian woman. It also helped me ride through this pain and to consider it a pure joy. These verses also spoke to me because out of the million times that I've prayed to God to bless me with a child, always in the back of my mind I'm thinking "but He's not really going to bless me with it, I'm not worthy, it's not actually going to happen". I pray that I can find the strength to not doubt and to not be double-minded. God wants to bless me with a child. I know He does. He wants to "give generously to all without finding fault". I just need to believe Him and stop listening to the negativity that the devil tries to spread. Thank you Lord for leading me to this truth!
A big relieving day!
Today I went to meet with my surgeon (see the details here) and I feel so much better now! My surgery is officially on for Monday! He made me feel so much better about the potential side effects and best of all.... DRUM ROLL PLEASE... he said that there would be absolutely no problem with me getting pregnant right after this surgery and that in fact I could get pregnant the day after and it would be fine (if only it could be so easy). AHHHHHH I'm so relieved. I really didn't want to have to decide between this surgery and getting pregnant. My husband also feels a lot better. While we were waiting for the doctor to come in the room he was going off about how he didn't want me to have this surgery, didn't think it was a good idea, and didn't want me to end up worse off than I am now. After meeting with the doctor he feels so much better as well and feels secure that everything is going to be great! The resident that was also there for the appointment told me that he's been in my same place when it comes to ttc. That made me feel good. I always like to find people with a common bond. Now I just wish that I would have thought to ask him if he ever ended up having a baby.
So today I had to all of the checking in hoopla that you have to do prior to a surgery and part of that involved talking with the anesthesiologist nurse. She was reviewing my medication list and asked what I was taking Lupron and Norethindrone for, so I informed her that it was for endometriosis/fertility treatment. She said "oh as soon as you take your mind off of it you'll get pregnant". Hahahaha I didn't know whether to laugh at her or yell at her. I'm so sick of hearing that! People need to tell that directly to my uterus! Then I had to go to the hospital lab for a type and screen and today was OB clinic day, so the lab and surrounding area was filled with pregnant women and newborn babies. That was so hard. I had to keep my jealousy reined in so that I wouldn't embarrass myself by crying in public. Distraction is a useful thing!
I definitely feel God working in my life and His presence. I'm happy that I'm able to have this surgery and that I'm going to the new fertility clinic on August 12th! Everything is coming together. I feel so hopeful and excited. I haven't felt this way in awhile. Next comes baby!
Distractions
Lately, more than ever, my mind has been totally consumed and dominated with thoughts of having a baby, trying to conceive, endometriosis, Lupron, how much treatment I'll have to do, is it going to happen... and the list goes on and on and on. This has caused non-stop internet searching to try to find out as much information as I can and to become as knowledgeable as I can. While I agree that knowledge is power, it has taken my focus off of God and his calming spirit and has turned me into an emotional wreck. Not to mention my emotional state is already a roller coaster with being on Lupron.
So, yesterday I decided that I needed a mental break. While it's embarrassing to admit, I love crafts. When I was about 11 years old in exchange for crocheting lessons I helped an old lady clean her house every week. My husband always makes fun of me when I break out my needles and yarn. I love to be creative and to make different things or do something artsy, included in this is my love of cooking. I especially try to do something along those lines if I'm stressed or going through difficulties. I definitely get it from my creative and artistically blessed mother. Yesterday I decided that I needed to take my mind off of things and make something and my cats (we have a dog & two cats) gave me the perfect idea.
They love to take their afternoon nap anywhere that is dark, covered, and safe. My one cat, Juneau, decided to tear holes in the underlining of our couch and to sleep under the frame. My other cat, Skyy, would always nap under the day bed that we had in our 2nd bedroom. Recently we sold that bed because we thought we were going to be moving to a smaller place (that ended up not happening, thank you God), so now my one cat is bedless and has been forced to sleep under our comforter & I would very much like for the other cat to stop destroying our couch. So I made them a little cat house. I didn't have the time or the means to go buy a bunch of supplies, so I used what we had around the house.
I took a cardboard box and completely duct taped it so that the structure could have some additional support, then I put down double sided carpet tape, measured, cut, & applied the carpet (we had an extra roll of carpet in our closet). I actually ran out of the carpet tape when I was 3/4 done so I kept the remaining carpet down with my hot glue gun and glued down any loose edges as well. I then measured and cut out the center hole and put some carpet down on the inside. I still need to clean up the edges so that they are more blended, but I'll do that later (my uncle who is a contractor suggested that I hot glue gun 3/8 rope on the edges). Then I measured and cut an old hand towel we have and duct taped/hot glued the top edge to create a little curtain to give them more security. Normally I wouldn't have added the towel because I think it looks better without it, but my cats seriously like to sleep being totally surrounded. So... without further delay, here is my cat house.The cats love it!
On to other news, my ob/gyn office called me today and they have me set up with an appointment at the fertility specialist's office on August 12th. I'm really excited and nervous and I can't wait to find out what kind of treatment options they recommend and how good they think my chances are.
I called my doctor today and left them a message to call me back with what stage of endometriosis I have and for them to mail me my surgical report. I know that they gave me this info before, but I can't remember what they said and haven't thought to ask them since. I know that sounds bad, but I have been so focused on everything else I haven't thought to ask how bad I am. I have a picture from my surgery of the endometriosis and then after they burned it off, but it's hard for me to tell how much there was and what it means. I'm still going to go in for one more Lupron injection before I see this new doctor. I feel like at least two months isn't a bad idea and I feel comfortable with that decision (well as comfortable as I'm capable of feeling). I am looking forward to being off of the Lupron & to be back to feeling normal. Well, after this hopefully I'll be pregnant & still not feeling like myself :D.
The side effects sound bad, but honestly they're not unbearable. The headaches are improved and are starting to be more spaced out. If I take two Fiorecet I'm good to go. I'm just so tired and so emotional. Today I started feeling "pregnant". I'm even more tired, my ta-tas are sore (I'm use to this because I have fibrocystic breasts, but when I first started the Lupron that went away and they were super squishy for the first time in forever), I'm even more emotional (one second I'm super happy, the next I'm angry & grumpy, & then the next I'm crying for no reason), I'm eating like non-stop (unfortunately I'm craving sugary junk food), and I'm nauseated. It's no fun feeling pregnant and knowing that there's no chance of a baby being in my tummy. Oh well, I'll just consider it a practice run and hopefully next time I feel like this it will be the real deal! Hahaha, knowing me and my apparent like for torturing myself I'll probably still go out and waste money on a pregnancy test just to get that BFN. I always want to hope for the best and think that maybe I'll get surprised.
My new blog friend, Veronica, gave me an awesome idea and I can't wait to start doing it. It took her a long time to conceive her gorgeous daughter, but while she was trying she started researching, checking out, and deciding what baby stuff she wanted to get. Then when she was finally pregnant she was able to relax and didn't have to worry about it. I think that this is such a wonderful idea! Plus, I really think that it will help me to relax, not be so sad, and to focus on happy things and what I have to look forward to.
So, yesterday I decided that I needed a mental break. While it's embarrassing to admit, I love crafts. When I was about 11 years old in exchange for crocheting lessons I helped an old lady clean her house every week. My husband always makes fun of me when I break out my needles and yarn. I love to be creative and to make different things or do something artsy, included in this is my love of cooking. I especially try to do something along those lines if I'm stressed or going through difficulties. I definitely get it from my creative and artistically blessed mother. Yesterday I decided that I needed to take my mind off of things and make something and my cats (we have a dog & two cats) gave me the perfect idea.
They love to take their afternoon nap anywhere that is dark, covered, and safe. My one cat, Juneau, decided to tear holes in the underlining of our couch and to sleep under the frame. My other cat, Skyy, would always nap under the day bed that we had in our 2nd bedroom. Recently we sold that bed because we thought we were going to be moving to a smaller place (that ended up not happening, thank you God), so now my one cat is bedless and has been forced to sleep under our comforter & I would very much like for the other cat to stop destroying our couch. So I made them a little cat house. I didn't have the time or the means to go buy a bunch of supplies, so I used what we had around the house.
I took a cardboard box and completely duct taped it so that the structure could have some additional support, then I put down double sided carpet tape, measured, cut, & applied the carpet (we had an extra roll of carpet in our closet). I actually ran out of the carpet tape when I was 3/4 done so I kept the remaining carpet down with my hot glue gun and glued down any loose edges as well. I then measured and cut out the center hole and put some carpet down on the inside. I still need to clean up the edges so that they are more blended, but I'll do that later (my uncle who is a contractor suggested that I hot glue gun 3/8 rope on the edges). Then I measured and cut an old hand towel we have and duct taped/hot glued the top edge to create a little curtain to give them more security. Normally I wouldn't have added the towel because I think it looks better without it, but my cats seriously like to sleep being totally surrounded. So... without further delay, here is my cat house.The cats love it!
On to other news, my ob/gyn office called me today and they have me set up with an appointment at the fertility specialist's office on August 12th. I'm really excited and nervous and I can't wait to find out what kind of treatment options they recommend and how good they think my chances are.
I called my doctor today and left them a message to call me back with what stage of endometriosis I have and for them to mail me my surgical report. I know that they gave me this info before, but I can't remember what they said and haven't thought to ask them since. I know that sounds bad, but I have been so focused on everything else I haven't thought to ask how bad I am. I have a picture from my surgery of the endometriosis and then after they burned it off, but it's hard for me to tell how much there was and what it means. I'm still going to go in for one more Lupron injection before I see this new doctor. I feel like at least two months isn't a bad idea and I feel comfortable with that decision (well as comfortable as I'm capable of feeling). I am looking forward to being off of the Lupron & to be back to feeling normal. Well, after this hopefully I'll be pregnant & still not feeling like myself :D.
The side effects sound bad, but honestly they're not unbearable. The headaches are improved and are starting to be more spaced out. If I take two Fiorecet I'm good to go. I'm just so tired and so emotional. Today I started feeling "pregnant". I'm even more tired, my ta-tas are sore (I'm use to this because I have fibrocystic breasts, but when I first started the Lupron that went away and they were super squishy for the first time in forever), I'm even more emotional (one second I'm super happy, the next I'm angry & grumpy, & then the next I'm crying for no reason), I'm eating like non-stop (unfortunately I'm craving sugary junk food), and I'm nauseated. It's no fun feeling pregnant and knowing that there's no chance of a baby being in my tummy. Oh well, I'll just consider it a practice run and hopefully next time I feel like this it will be the real deal! Hahaha, knowing me and my apparent like for torturing myself I'll probably still go out and waste money on a pregnancy test just to get that BFN. I always want to hope for the best and think that maybe I'll get surprised.
My new blog friend, Veronica, gave me an awesome idea and I can't wait to start doing it. It took her a long time to conceive her gorgeous daughter, but while she was trying she started researching, checking out, and deciding what baby stuff she wanted to get. Then when she was finally pregnant she was able to relax and didn't have to worry about it. I think that this is such a wonderful idea! Plus, I really think that it will help me to relax, not be so sad, and to focus on happy things and what I have to look forward to.
Just some random venting
Being that I'm on Lupron & therefore on a hormonal emotional rollercoaster I have the high and low to talk about.
I've been so happy to read so many blogs on here from other women going through the endometriosis & trying to conceive battle. It has been a breath of fresh air and an amazing "wow I'm not alone" feeling. It has been especially difficult for me lately because I feel like the people who should be here for me the most aren't. I was recently talking to someone very close to me (I won't mention names or relationships due to this being the world wide web & not wanting to hurt feelings) and I was telling them about what's going on with me with Lupron and infertility stuff. What I heard back was crickets. They said absolutely nothing and then went on to talk about other stuff. It's been pretty much the same with most people that are close to me. They don't ask how it's going, what I'm going through, or offer any support or words of encouragement. Maybe they don't realize how serious it is or they feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say. I only want to know that they care and maybe hear a "I'm sorry, that sucks". Luckily I do have some great friends and my sister who ask how I'm doing, how it's going, and always tell me that they know it's going to happen and that I'm going to be a great mom (ahhh I love to hear that). I would still like to hear it from the people who should be saying it the most. My husband is great and always lets me spout off about my hurt feelings and gets angry with me about those that have hurt my feelings. That makes me feel good.
So, on to the high. I was going through a basket of random things in my closet (bathing suits, scarves, hats, etc) and I found a baby onesie that I bought when I was 16. Like I said, I have always wanted to be a mom and looked forward to the day when I would get married and start a family. I was strolling through Target, saw this adorable little onesie and just had to buy it, and I've held on to it all this time. It's so cute! It's baby blue and has a tiny teddy bear on the left side with a yellow star and says "reach for the stars". I guess it's a good thing that onesie's never go out of style. I can't believe how tiny it is and it says that it's for a 3-6 month old. I started daydreaming of the day that my baby will wear it. I went and showed it to my husband and he said "I can't wait to see our baby in that. Even if the baby is a girl she'll wear it". Awwww how precious is that! I didn't imagine that he would be so sentimental over baby clothes. I know that he wants to have a baby just as much as I do. Come on Lord give me a baby! I know everything happens in your perfect timing, but can you consider your perfect timing being right now?
I've been so happy to read so many blogs on here from other women going through the endometriosis & trying to conceive battle. It has been a breath of fresh air and an amazing "wow I'm not alone" feeling. It has been especially difficult for me lately because I feel like the people who should be here for me the most aren't. I was recently talking to someone very close to me (I won't mention names or relationships due to this being the world wide web & not wanting to hurt feelings) and I was telling them about what's going on with me with Lupron and infertility stuff. What I heard back was crickets. They said absolutely nothing and then went on to talk about other stuff. It's been pretty much the same with most people that are close to me. They don't ask how it's going, what I'm going through, or offer any support or words of encouragement. Maybe they don't realize how serious it is or they feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say. I only want to know that they care and maybe hear a "I'm sorry, that sucks". Luckily I do have some great friends and my sister who ask how I'm doing, how it's going, and always tell me that they know it's going to happen and that I'm going to be a great mom (ahhh I love to hear that). I would still like to hear it from the people who should be saying it the most. My husband is great and always lets me spout off about my hurt feelings and gets angry with me about those that have hurt my feelings. That makes me feel good.
So, on to the high. I was going through a basket of random things in my closet (bathing suits, scarves, hats, etc) and I found a baby onesie that I bought when I was 16. Like I said, I have always wanted to be a mom and looked forward to the day when I would get married and start a family. I was strolling through Target, saw this adorable little onesie and just had to buy it, and I've held on to it all this time. It's so cute! It's baby blue and has a tiny teddy bear on the left side with a yellow star and says "reach for the stars". I guess it's a good thing that onesie's never go out of style. I can't believe how tiny it is and it says that it's for a 3-6 month old. I started daydreaming of the day that my baby will wear it. I went and showed it to my husband and he said "I can't wait to see our baby in that. Even if the baby is a girl she'll wear it". Awwww how precious is that! I didn't imagine that he would be so sentimental over baby clothes. I know that he wants to have a baby just as much as I do. Come on Lord give me a baby! I know everything happens in your perfect timing, but can you consider your perfect timing being right now?
Decisions, decisions, decisions
I just got a call from my OB/GYN's office. The good news is that I can take more fiorecet than I thought I could and once I get the headaches under control they are going to be much easier to manage. The bad news, well not so much bad news, but the tough news is that I have some big decisions to make, which is not fun for me because I'm a libra and making big decisions makes me very nervous.
So here's everything that was discussed and I'm warning you that it's probably going to come out as a big rambling mess because I just found all of this out and I'm still trying to process it myself. The nurse was calling me back with some questions that I had for my doctor. First off... I was unclear on how long I actually need to take Lupron for, how long it would take me to get my cycle back, and how soon I could start trying to get pregnant. My doctor said that ideally Lupron is taken for 6 months, but she knows that I don't want to take it for that long, so she wants me to do it for possibly 3 months. She has me on the month-to-month injection so that she can monitor my symptoms and I can decide when I want to stop. I'm really hoping to not do it any longer than 2 months. From what I've read the longer you take it the longer it takes for your cycle to come back. I really just want a baby right now and having to wait even 2 months to try is just tortuous. I know it's necessary, but it's seriously so difficult. She said that after my last Lupron injection it stays in my system for 30 days and then after that it would probably take 4-6 weeks for my cycle to come back and at that time I could start Clomid and trying to get pregnant. I had no idea it was going to take this long!
Here's the kicker, in 10 days I'm suppose to have surgery (laparoscopic nissen fundoplication) on a hiatal hernia I have. It's done laparoscopically, but it's still a major surgery. My doctor is concerned that if I got pregnant right after this surgery that I could tear the hernia repair, which is dangerous and would require a second, more difficult surgery. She says that there is a 50% chance I would ruin the repair and that she won't prescribe Clomid until 3 months has passed since my hernia repair. I don't know what to do! Getting pregnant is the most important thing to me right now. I think and dream about it constantly. My symptoms with the hernia are bad and certainly annoying. I'm sick of taking Nexium and other meds like it with out complete relief and I know that getting pregnant will make my heartburn worse, but I'm not so completely miserable to the point that I think "I HAVE to have this surgery right now". I have my pre-op appointment on the 13th and Jonathan and I are going to talk to my surgeon and see what he says about how bad off I really am and if I can wait for the surgery. On another point, with the Lupron and waiting for my cycle to return I wouldn't be waiting that much longer. Ugghhh, I just don't know what to do. Is it even safe for me to have this surgery if I plan on becoming pregnant at any point? I don't want just one baby.
Another thing I was given to think about is being seen at a specialty clinic. My doctor says that this place specializes in treating women with endometriosis and could offer me more treatment options that she can as a general OB/GYN. I really like my doctor, she is very intellegent, very good, and really lets me maintain the control in my healthcare. I'm sure we have all been to those doctors that are so cocky and don't want to listen to you or let you have any say in what is happening to your body. She's not like that at all and is so beautiful and soothing. Plus I question what more this other clinic could really do for me. The hubster and I need to really think about it, give it up to God and see what path He wants us to take, and we need to research this clinic and see what they're all about. Ugh, decisions, decisions, decisions. I'm just going to keep my thoughts firmly planted on the little baby I've created in my imagination. It makes everything seem so worth it.
So here's everything that was discussed and I'm warning you that it's probably going to come out as a big rambling mess because I just found all of this out and I'm still trying to process it myself. The nurse was calling me back with some questions that I had for my doctor. First off... I was unclear on how long I actually need to take Lupron for, how long it would take me to get my cycle back, and how soon I could start trying to get pregnant. My doctor said that ideally Lupron is taken for 6 months, but she knows that I don't want to take it for that long, so she wants me to do it for possibly 3 months. She has me on the month-to-month injection so that she can monitor my symptoms and I can decide when I want to stop. I'm really hoping to not do it any longer than 2 months. From what I've read the longer you take it the longer it takes for your cycle to come back. I really just want a baby right now and having to wait even 2 months to try is just tortuous. I know it's necessary, but it's seriously so difficult. She said that after my last Lupron injection it stays in my system for 30 days and then after that it would probably take 4-6 weeks for my cycle to come back and at that time I could start Clomid and trying to get pregnant. I had no idea it was going to take this long!
Here's the kicker, in 10 days I'm suppose to have surgery (laparoscopic nissen fundoplication) on a hiatal hernia I have. It's done laparoscopically, but it's still a major surgery. My doctor is concerned that if I got pregnant right after this surgery that I could tear the hernia repair, which is dangerous and would require a second, more difficult surgery. She says that there is a 50% chance I would ruin the repair and that she won't prescribe Clomid until 3 months has passed since my hernia repair. I don't know what to do! Getting pregnant is the most important thing to me right now. I think and dream about it constantly. My symptoms with the hernia are bad and certainly annoying. I'm sick of taking Nexium and other meds like it with out complete relief and I know that getting pregnant will make my heartburn worse, but I'm not so completely miserable to the point that I think "I HAVE to have this surgery right now". I have my pre-op appointment on the 13th and Jonathan and I are going to talk to my surgeon and see what he says about how bad off I really am and if I can wait for the surgery. On another point, with the Lupron and waiting for my cycle to return I wouldn't be waiting that much longer. Ugghhh, I just don't know what to do. Is it even safe for me to have this surgery if I plan on becoming pregnant at any point? I don't want just one baby.
Another thing I was given to think about is being seen at a specialty clinic. My doctor says that this place specializes in treating women with endometriosis and could offer me more treatment options that she can as a general OB/GYN. I really like my doctor, she is very intellegent, very good, and really lets me maintain the control in my healthcare. I'm sure we have all been to those doctors that are so cocky and don't want to listen to you or let you have any say in what is happening to your body. She's not like that at all and is so beautiful and soothing. Plus I question what more this other clinic could really do for me. The hubster and I need to really think about it, give it up to God and see what path He wants us to take, and we need to research this clinic and see what they're all about. Ugh, decisions, decisions, decisions. I'm just going to keep my thoughts firmly planted on the little baby I've created in my imagination. It makes everything seem so worth it.
I should have seen it coming
Last night, not too much longer after I finished my last post, the pain train arrived. With the horrible headaches, cramping, and breakthrough bleeding I should have seen it coming and expected it, but it completely caught me off guard. What's worse is that I couldn't really take anything for the pain because I had already taken extra-strength tylenol earlier in the day and then I also took fiorecet for the headache, which also has acetaminophen in it. I have a high pain tolerance and I cope with it pretty well, but for some reason whenever I'm in a lot of pain I cry. I guess it's better than screaming or pulling my hair out, but I find it to be very annoying. It burns, my nose gets all stuffy, my skin gets blotchy.... annoying.
So last night was spent with a lot of tears and attempts to distract myself. I have a wonderful heating pad and that helped a lot. I don't know if it really helps with the pain or if the warmth is just soothing. Either way I'm happy to use it. My husband was so sweet and wonderful and was asking me if there was anything he could get me or anything he could do. Fighting back blubbering sobs, I reverted to a five year old and said "can you just hold me for awhile". So he did and he stroaked my hair just the way I like it. He's such a sweet, sweet man. Not only does he work about 10 hours a day, but he's also in school, and with my health issues he's had to take on so much. Things that I normally take care of he has had to take on. He never complains, he never has to be asked to do anything, he just does it. On top of that he is still sweet and loving, asks me how I'm doing, brings me drinks and makes sure I've had three meals a day. Which is wonderful of him because beyond being able to make amazing breakfasts, he doesn't like to cook. I'm so blessed to have him as a husband. I hope that I bring him as much joy as he brings me. It's so wonderful to know that when you're at your worst there is going to be someone there to comfort you and take care of you. It's also amazing because my husband is very much a type A personality, military man. He always jokes around (I think) and tells people to "suffer in silence", lol. To see him be so sweet, understanding, and such a great caretaker is, well... I can't really describe to you how great it feels.
So, like I said, last night was spent with a lot of tears, which made my nose swell and I didn't get much sleep. We watched a movie until Jonathan had to go to bed and I attempted to lay down with him. I was joking around and told him "I hope that you're grateful that I'm willing to suffer so much so that I can give you a child", lol. He told me that if it was him he wouldn't do it. I've always said that I don't think a man could handle being a woman for even a day. Can you imagine what most men would think if they had to deal with one period. Hahaha, I think that they would think their body had been taken over by aliens. I always laugh so hard at the saying "never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die". It makes me laugh every time I read it. Okay, I've gone off on a tangent. I tend to do that a lot. So, last night I walked around for awhile (that seemed to help) and then I surfed the web until my sleeping pill finally decided to work.
This morning I woke up to the same headache and the same pelvic pain. In not wanting to have a repeat of last night, I broke down and took a darvocet from a prescription that I had when I pulled a muscle in my back. It did well in taking the edge off. More importantly it knocked me out and I was able to get some good rest! I took cat naps on the couch until my husband went to work and then I laid down in bed at 3:30 this afternoon and didn't wake up again until about 7. Hahaha, I'm sure I'll have a great time trying to fall asleep tonight. I still have a headache, but the pelvic pain is just barely there. Hopefully it will stay that way.
While being in pain is never fun, it's still a happy thing for me. I say that because me being in pain means that the Lupron is working. So far I'm hitting all of the marks in the road that my doctor told me I would. So, in a few days the pain and breakthrough bleeding should be gone, my estrogen levels will plummit, the endometriosis will die back like it's suppose to, and then I will get pregnant, have a beautiful baby, have a few more babies, and then live happily ever after in my white castle in the countryside! Okay, okay, so maybe I added in a few unrealistic details, but you catch my drift.
So last night was spent with a lot of tears and attempts to distract myself. I have a wonderful heating pad and that helped a lot. I don't know if it really helps with the pain or if the warmth is just soothing. Either way I'm happy to use it. My husband was so sweet and wonderful and was asking me if there was anything he could get me or anything he could do. Fighting back blubbering sobs, I reverted to a five year old and said "can you just hold me for awhile". So he did and he stroaked my hair just the way I like it. He's such a sweet, sweet man. Not only does he work about 10 hours a day, but he's also in school, and with my health issues he's had to take on so much. Things that I normally take care of he has had to take on. He never complains, he never has to be asked to do anything, he just does it. On top of that he is still sweet and loving, asks me how I'm doing, brings me drinks and makes sure I've had three meals a day. Which is wonderful of him because beyond being able to make amazing breakfasts, he doesn't like to cook. I'm so blessed to have him as a husband. I hope that I bring him as much joy as he brings me. It's so wonderful to know that when you're at your worst there is going to be someone there to comfort you and take care of you. It's also amazing because my husband is very much a type A personality, military man. He always jokes around (I think) and tells people to "suffer in silence", lol. To see him be so sweet, understanding, and such a great caretaker is, well... I can't really describe to you how great it feels.
So, like I said, last night was spent with a lot of tears, which made my nose swell and I didn't get much sleep. We watched a movie until Jonathan had to go to bed and I attempted to lay down with him. I was joking around and told him "I hope that you're grateful that I'm willing to suffer so much so that I can give you a child", lol. He told me that if it was him he wouldn't do it. I've always said that I don't think a man could handle being a woman for even a day. Can you imagine what most men would think if they had to deal with one period. Hahaha, I think that they would think their body had been taken over by aliens. I always laugh so hard at the saying "never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die". It makes me laugh every time I read it. Okay, I've gone off on a tangent. I tend to do that a lot. So, last night I walked around for awhile (that seemed to help) and then I surfed the web until my sleeping pill finally decided to work.
This morning I woke up to the same headache and the same pelvic pain. In not wanting to have a repeat of last night, I broke down and took a darvocet from a prescription that I had when I pulled a muscle in my back. It did well in taking the edge off. More importantly it knocked me out and I was able to get some good rest! I took cat naps on the couch until my husband went to work and then I laid down in bed at 3:30 this afternoon and didn't wake up again until about 7. Hahaha, I'm sure I'll have a great time trying to fall asleep tonight. I still have a headache, but the pelvic pain is just barely there. Hopefully it will stay that way.
While being in pain is never fun, it's still a happy thing for me. I say that because me being in pain means that the Lupron is working. So far I'm hitting all of the marks in the road that my doctor told me I would. So, in a few days the pain and breakthrough bleeding should be gone, my estrogen levels will plummit, the endometriosis will die back like it's suppose to, and then I will get pregnant, have a beautiful baby, have a few more babies, and then live happily ever after in my white castle in the countryside! Okay, okay, so maybe I added in a few unrealistic details, but you catch my drift.
Lupron: The First Week
So, it has been a week since I've had my first Lupron injection and started the Norethindrone Acetate pill (see my previous post to find out what Lupron is and why I'm taking it). I'm hoping that my side effects won't be as bad as some people because I'm getting the lower dose, once-monthly injection rather than the higher dose, every three months injection. I pray that's the case because I've truly read some horror stories out there. I just try to remember that the side effects don't happen to everyone, some people do just great, and people only tend to write reviews when things are going wrong. It's during times like these that I really have to have faith that God will help me through. That's a tough thing for me and I'm actively trying to strengthen my faith and let go of my fear and worry.
So far I've been more tired than usual, irritable, had a worse short-term memory (I've always been bad, but now I'll start to go do something and completely forget what I was going to do or have a conversation with my husband and forget that it happened) and I've been getting some pretty bad headaches. Also, today I've had an increase in the endometriosis pain and had some breakthrough bleeding. Really though, the symptoms sound severe, but it really hasn't been too bad or unbearable at all and if this is going to help me have a baby then it's all worth it. I talked to my doctor today and she called me in some fiorecet for the headaches and told me that the cramps and bleeding were normal and should subside in a few days. She explained that the medication attaches to the hormone receptors, stays there, and fools the body into stopping the release of estrogen. But what happens in the beginning is there is an estrogen surge and that causes a temporary increase in endometriosis symptoms. Whew, I'm just relieved that it's normal. I do better when I know what to expect.
I've been doing a lot more researching this week about conception, endometriosis, and Lupron therapy. I have to tell you that there is so much information out there and it can be intimidating and confusing. A great source of information and comfort comes from posts from other women who have been through fertility treatments and have been successful. But sometimes I have no clue what they're talking about. They are true fertility warriors and are armed with a bunch of abbreviations that I have no clue what they mean. Haha, only recently did I figure out that TTC means "trying to conceive". It's still just so comforting to see women that have had difficulties far more severe than my own and now they have beautiful, healthy babies. A book that has really helped me out beyond measure has been "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery" by Jackie Mize. Not only does it talk about how to have an amazing pregnancy and delivery, but it talks about biblical principles on conceiving when you didn't think you could or have had problems. It's really amazing and has brought me peace and conviction that I know I will be a mother one day, where before I was riddled with so much negativity and doubt. Seriously, even if you don't think this book is for you, go out and buy it (it's really inexpensive) and read it. It's life changing.
I want to be a mother more than anything in the world right now. I think about it all the time and my husband and I are always talking about how we're going to raise our kids, how it's going to change our life, and I'm pretty sure we have all of our kids names picked out already. People always tell me "oh just stop thinking about it" or "just stop trying and it will happen", as if any of those things are possible. Also, when Jonathan and I first realized that there might be a problem we had to go to my primary care physician in order to get a referral to a specialist. She was a horrible doctor (for numerous reasons), but she also hassled me about seeking fertility testing and said that I was so young and blah, blah, blah. I get angry just thinking about her. Obviously she finally gave me the referral, but geez is it really that much trouble to just let someone get checked out and obviously something is wrong when you've been trying for 1 1/2 years and nothing has happened. Luckily just prior to this appointment I was talking to my neighbor about fertility issues (she had a lot of trouble conceiving her son) and she warned me that some providers can be negative about giving referrals for testing, so I wasn't totally caught off guard by my doctor (well ex-doctor now). Okay, okay I'm done venting about that & it's all past history now.
I'm looking forward to the time that I'm on Lupron to pass by quickly (the fiorecet doesn't seem to be working for the headaches) and I'm hoping that this blog on trying to conceive will be short lived and will quickly turn into a blog about pregnancy :D!
So far I've been more tired than usual, irritable, had a worse short-term memory (I've always been bad, but now I'll start to go do something and completely forget what I was going to do or have a conversation with my husband and forget that it happened) and I've been getting some pretty bad headaches. Also, today I've had an increase in the endometriosis pain and had some breakthrough bleeding. Really though, the symptoms sound severe, but it really hasn't been too bad or unbearable at all and if this is going to help me have a baby then it's all worth it. I talked to my doctor today and she called me in some fiorecet for the headaches and told me that the cramps and bleeding were normal and should subside in a few days. She explained that the medication attaches to the hormone receptors, stays there, and fools the body into stopping the release of estrogen. But what happens in the beginning is there is an estrogen surge and that causes a temporary increase in endometriosis symptoms. Whew, I'm just relieved that it's normal. I do better when I know what to expect.
I've been doing a lot more researching this week about conception, endometriosis, and Lupron therapy. I have to tell you that there is so much information out there and it can be intimidating and confusing. A great source of information and comfort comes from posts from other women who have been through fertility treatments and have been successful. But sometimes I have no clue what they're talking about. They are true fertility warriors and are armed with a bunch of abbreviations that I have no clue what they mean. Haha, only recently did I figure out that TTC means "trying to conceive". It's still just so comforting to see women that have had difficulties far more severe than my own and now they have beautiful, healthy babies. A book that has really helped me out beyond measure has been "Supernatural Childbirth: Experiencing the Promises of God Concerning Conception and Delivery" by Jackie Mize. Not only does it talk about how to have an amazing pregnancy and delivery, but it talks about biblical principles on conceiving when you didn't think you could or have had problems. It's really amazing and has brought me peace and conviction that I know I will be a mother one day, where before I was riddled with so much negativity and doubt. Seriously, even if you don't think this book is for you, go out and buy it (it's really inexpensive) and read it. It's life changing.
I want to be a mother more than anything in the world right now. I think about it all the time and my husband and I are always talking about how we're going to raise our kids, how it's going to change our life, and I'm pretty sure we have all of our kids names picked out already. People always tell me "oh just stop thinking about it" or "just stop trying and it will happen", as if any of those things are possible. Also, when Jonathan and I first realized that there might be a problem we had to go to my primary care physician in order to get a referral to a specialist. She was a horrible doctor (for numerous reasons), but she also hassled me about seeking fertility testing and said that I was so young and blah, blah, blah. I get angry just thinking about her. Obviously she finally gave me the referral, but geez is it really that much trouble to just let someone get checked out and obviously something is wrong when you've been trying for 1 1/2 years and nothing has happened. Luckily just prior to this appointment I was talking to my neighbor about fertility issues (she had a lot of trouble conceiving her son) and she warned me that some providers can be negative about giving referrals for testing, so I wasn't totally caught off guard by my doctor (well ex-doctor now). Okay, okay I'm done venting about that & it's all past history now.
I'm looking forward to the time that I'm on Lupron to pass by quickly (the fiorecet doesn't seem to be working for the headaches) and I'm hoping that this blog on trying to conceive will be short lived and will quickly turn into a blog about pregnancy :D!
The Beginning: Our Story
My husband Jonathan and I met through my cousin, Chris; they were both in the Navy together. Actually, he knew who I was way before I even knew he existed. During this time I was living in Houston, TX & he was living in San Diego, CA. He went with my cousin to my mom's house for dinner and he saw my picture on the wall. He immediately thought I was cute and asked Chris about me. Finding out that I lived so far away, he forgot about me... but as fate would have it I ended up moving to San Diego about a year later and got an apartment with my sister. My sister and Jonathan were also friends and she called and invited him over to go out with us one night. We had an instant connection and were pretty much joined at the hip after that. However, having recently gotten out of a bad relationship I didn't think that I wanted to date anyone at that time, so instead we forged a strong friendship (which I'm so thankful for). The first time he asked me to kiss him (why do guys do that?) I told him no. But with his typical charm he wore me down (hahaha just kidding babe) and I told him "okay we can date, but you're not my boyfriend", about a week later I said "okay, you can be my boyfriend, but there's no way I'm getting married", okay I'm lying it was really the next day.... and a year later we got married. I think I was just playing hard to get, but wasn't very good at it because from the start I definitely had strong feelings for him. I thought he was the kindest, most amazing man that I had ever met. He was so thoughtful, romantic, sweet, loyal, intelligent, and incredibly sexy. Not to be cheesy, but he was everything that I ever wanted and everything that I never knew existed. Well, not just "was", but still is. I thank God for him every single day.
Both Jonathan and I love children and have always had a strong desire to be parents. I've wanted to be a mother as long as I can remember and never thought that it would be an issue. Immediately upon getting married we started trying to get pregnant. We both thought for sure that it would happen our first month of trying. I mean, geez, how many people out there go to desperate measures to NOT get pregnant and still end up doing it anways! A few months went by and we didn't think too much of it... it was just going to take a little longer than we thought or maybe we weren't doing it right, ha! I researched online the best methods and times to conceive and I started monitoring my cycles and my ovulation. It still didn't happen! I thought that maybe it was stress. We were having work and financial issues at the time and it caused a lot of pressure, so we just kept trying and waiting it out.
At about the year to year and a half mark we finally went and talked to my OB/GYN. I was also having some odd lower abdominal pain, so she decided to do a laparoscopy to see if something was going on. She found endometriosis, burned it off, and told me that my fertility would now be increased by about 20%. Normally what would have happened after that is I would be put on Lupron (an injection that puts you in temporary menopause to kill off the endometriosis) and then after that Clomid (a super-ovulation pill) for two months. However, my husband was about to leave to go out to sea for a few months, so she wanted to give me a chance to get pregnant before he left and so I took Clomid for a month. Unfortunately I didn't get pregnant :(. After he got back I did another round of Clomid and that still didn't work.
I went and talked to my doctor again and she said that it's best to do Clomid for two consecutive months and to give that a try. Of course my husband went out to sea again (I have a love-hate relationship with the military at this point) and I had to put it off for another two months and then I had surgery for a deviated septum, which you can not be pregnant for.
Around this time my endometriosis symptoms got worse and my OB/GYN decided the best course of treatment would be to do monthly injections of Lupron in combination with Norethindrone Acetate for about two months. She told me that it's the "golden ticket" for getting pregnant when you have endometriosis. After that I will do the two rounds of Clomid. Deciding to go ahead with the Lupron was a very difficult decision for me. At this point we have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years, every period is a heartache, every ovulation cycle I'm thinking "is this it, is it finally going to be our chance to be parents", every time I hear that someone else is pregnant it is depressing (of course I'm happy for them, but it still hurts that it's not me), and every month of having to put off trying to conceive is devastating. Plus, I know that some people get some pretty miserable side effects while on Lupron. On the flip side I was also questioning what my chances were of getting pregnant with out it. I was given the choice either Lupron or a birth control pill and between the two I want to go with the "golden ticket". Sooooo..... Jonathan and I have decided to go ahead with Lupron.
Both Jonathan and I love children and have always had a strong desire to be parents. I've wanted to be a mother as long as I can remember and never thought that it would be an issue. Immediately upon getting married we started trying to get pregnant. We both thought for sure that it would happen our first month of trying. I mean, geez, how many people out there go to desperate measures to NOT get pregnant and still end up doing it anways! A few months went by and we didn't think too much of it... it was just going to take a little longer than we thought or maybe we weren't doing it right, ha! I researched online the best methods and times to conceive and I started monitoring my cycles and my ovulation. It still didn't happen! I thought that maybe it was stress. We were having work and financial issues at the time and it caused a lot of pressure, so we just kept trying and waiting it out.
At about the year to year and a half mark we finally went and talked to my OB/GYN. I was also having some odd lower abdominal pain, so she decided to do a laparoscopy to see if something was going on. She found endometriosis, burned it off, and told me that my fertility would now be increased by about 20%. Normally what would have happened after that is I would be put on Lupron (an injection that puts you in temporary menopause to kill off the endometriosis) and then after that Clomid (a super-ovulation pill) for two months. However, my husband was about to leave to go out to sea for a few months, so she wanted to give me a chance to get pregnant before he left and so I took Clomid for a month. Unfortunately I didn't get pregnant :(. After he got back I did another round of Clomid and that still didn't work.
I went and talked to my doctor again and she said that it's best to do Clomid for two consecutive months and to give that a try. Of course my husband went out to sea again (I have a love-hate relationship with the military at this point) and I had to put it off for another two months and then I had surgery for a deviated septum, which you can not be pregnant for.
Around this time my endometriosis symptoms got worse and my OB/GYN decided the best course of treatment would be to do monthly injections of Lupron in combination with Norethindrone Acetate for about two months. She told me that it's the "golden ticket" for getting pregnant when you have endometriosis. After that I will do the two rounds of Clomid. Deciding to go ahead with the Lupron was a very difficult decision for me. At this point we have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years, every period is a heartache, every ovulation cycle I'm thinking "is this it, is it finally going to be our chance to be parents", every time I hear that someone else is pregnant it is depressing (of course I'm happy for them, but it still hurts that it's not me), and every month of having to put off trying to conceive is devastating. Plus, I know that some people get some pretty miserable side effects while on Lupron. On the flip side I was also questioning what my chances were of getting pregnant with out it. I was given the choice either Lupron or a birth control pill and between the two I want to go with the "golden ticket". Sooooo..... Jonathan and I have decided to go ahead with Lupron.
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