Just Kidding
Well we are having terrible weather here and the city is basically shut down. The military base is closed (yay for dh getting the day off), the college is closed (there goes the exam I was suppose to take today), but the bad news is except for emergencies the naval hospital is closed. So I wasn't able to go to the lab to get my urine hcg and my HSG is cancelled for tomorrow. They told me to call on Monday to re-schedule. Who knows if I'll be able to get it done this month or not. It's always sad to have a ttc month flushed down the toilet, but I'm actually doing pretty well. I just feel a lot of indifference today. I say today because you ladies know our emotions can change from day to day. For today I'm just going to take ttc as it comes and trust God's journey... today. Honestly I think my tubes are fine. We're just going to hunker down for the next few days and try to stay dry. I hate crazy weather. They're advising for anyone who is home to stay home and not venture out. No problem! I just got a yummy Starbuck's cafe mocha on my way home from my wasted hospital trip and now I'm going to enjoy! Mmmmmmm.
I'm just saying...
I'm getting an HSG on Friday. Yes, Friday the 13th, and it's my first one while awake and I must say that I'm very nervous. I'm not looking forward to the discomfort and I just hope that the person who is doing it is very fast. Oooooh I wish that they would just knock me out for it!
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my!
Right now I feel scared, sad, heavy hearted, and eager. This has been a tough few weeks for me. It started with something I can't get into with this being a public forum, but it's something that each one of you IF girls has gone through and makes each one of us sad. That really knocked me on my butt and I went through an emotional down spin. I guess I just reached my breaking point. I still haven't fully recovered, but I'm doing a little better... and then I received some scary news.
As I said in my last post, I just started seeing a new doctor, and in doing so she did a bunch of labs (some new and some repeat), so that we could decide which way to go. I really thought that doing this was a waste of time and just wanted to get the show on the road. However, last week she called me and said that there were some problems with my labs that we would discuss at my next appointment, but that she was also concerned that I have an autoimmune disorder (like Lupus) and wanted to send me to see a Rheumatologist. She said that the positive labs (ANA) could just be from my Raynaud's, but that some other issues and lab results are causing her to think it may be an autoimmune disorder. Literally five minutes later my pulmonologist (for a separate issues) called me and said that due to a pleural effusion and some other red flags he thinks that I may have an autoimmune disorder!!!! WHAT?!?! How crazy is it that two doctors called me within 5 minutes of eachother saying the same thing! I was so scared after that and so worried that I had to clean and do laundry non-stop to distract myself. I want to find out what is keeping us from conceiving and I want to fix that problem, but I never expected anything serious to be wrong. So, I have an appointment on the 24th with Rheumatology to get to the bottom of this. It's scary to think that my journey may get more rocky.
Today I had my appointment with IF to discuss my labs, besides what she told me above, and she said that my testosterone is on the high end of normal for fertile folks, but for someone with difficulties getting pregnant it's high. A non-traditional therapy that they do (and have had successful pregnancies result) is to treat it with the diabetic medication Metformin. Something else was flip-flopped as well (sorry it's been a long day and I can't remember exactly what it was) and that's why I need clomid. As for the game plan, after I get cleared with Rheumatology, she recommends that we do go ahead with the monitored clomid and IUI cycles. I also have to repeat a HSG since it's been about a year since I've had that done. I'm just nervous because last time I was knocked out cold since they did it during my endo surgery. I know it's going to be uncomfortable and I can't wait to get it over with!
So that's where I am right now. I have to tell you that I'm very scared and very sad. I feel worried that I'm never going to be able to have children and I feel very alone. My heart feels very heavy and I find myself crying at random moments. I so desperately want children. And I'll be honest, right now I'm having a difficult time in my relationship with God. I don't understand why I'm having to go through this. People say that you should never give up hope, but sometimes having hope is very painful. Right now I'm going to just close my eyes and picture my beautiful little baby and attempt to be still and wait for the Lord.
As I said in my last post, I just started seeing a new doctor, and in doing so she did a bunch of labs (some new and some repeat), so that we could decide which way to go. I really thought that doing this was a waste of time and just wanted to get the show on the road. However, last week she called me and said that there were some problems with my labs that we would discuss at my next appointment, but that she was also concerned that I have an autoimmune disorder (like Lupus) and wanted to send me to see a Rheumatologist. She said that the positive labs (ANA) could just be from my Raynaud's, but that some other issues and lab results are causing her to think it may be an autoimmune disorder. Literally five minutes later my pulmonologist (for a separate issues) called me and said that due to a pleural effusion and some other red flags he thinks that I may have an autoimmune disorder!!!! WHAT?!?! How crazy is it that two doctors called me within 5 minutes of eachother saying the same thing! I was so scared after that and so worried that I had to clean and do laundry non-stop to distract myself. I want to find out what is keeping us from conceiving and I want to fix that problem, but I never expected anything serious to be wrong. So, I have an appointment on the 24th with Rheumatology to get to the bottom of this. It's scary to think that my journey may get more rocky.
Today I had my appointment with IF to discuss my labs, besides what she told me above, and she said that my testosterone is on the high end of normal for fertile folks, but for someone with difficulties getting pregnant it's high. A non-traditional therapy that they do (and have had successful pregnancies result) is to treat it with the diabetic medication Metformin. Something else was flip-flopped as well (sorry it's been a long day and I can't remember exactly what it was) and that's why I need clomid. As for the game plan, after I get cleared with Rheumatology, she recommends that we do go ahead with the monitored clomid and IUI cycles. I also have to repeat a HSG since it's been about a year since I've had that done. I'm just nervous because last time I was knocked out cold since they did it during my endo surgery. I know it's going to be uncomfortable and I can't wait to get it over with!
So that's where I am right now. I have to tell you that I'm very scared and very sad. I feel worried that I'm never going to be able to have children and I feel very alone. My heart feels very heavy and I find myself crying at random moments. I so desperately want children. And I'll be honest, right now I'm having a difficult time in my relationship with God. I don't understand why I'm having to go through this. People say that you should never give up hope, but sometimes having hope is very painful. Right now I'm going to just close my eyes and picture my beautiful little baby and attempt to be still and wait for the Lord.
The Snowball Effect
You know sometimes the better you try to make yourself the worse you end up feeling. That is a lesson that I learned this week. Sunday night I had a really bad headache and kidney pain (I'm the reining kidney stone queen). I decided that I was going to take two diuladid and was sure that after that I would feel so much better. An hour later my head was still killing me. I had some fiorecet left over from the horrible headaches that I got while on Lupron (doesn't this just sound like a bad idea already). I did the smart thing and called Walgreens and asked the pharmacist if it was okay for me to take a fiorecet after recently taking diuladid. She assured me that there was no adverse drug reactions between the two. With that information and having taken both medications before I assumed everything would be fine.
A little while after taking the fiorecet I started to itch/burn from head to toe. No big deal, I usually itch a little bit with diuladid and just take a benadryl. So I took a benadryl and then fell asleep. I woke up long enough to eat as sub that dh had brought me for dinner and then fell asleep on the couch again while we were watching television. When I woke up dh said "Babe you really just need to go to bed. You have bags under your eyes". Hahahaha ummm NOT!! I went and looked in the mirror and my eyes were swollen! I took another benadryl, called it a night, and assumed I would be fine in the morning. It was not a fun night, my throat hurt, my muscles ached, my chest was tight, and my back felt like it had a pinched nerve and I could NOT get comfortable. In the morning my eyes were still swollen, as were my nose and upper lip and my back was just as miserable. I finally went to the ER and they gave me IV benadryl and something to relax my back. The kicker is that even after all of that I still had a headache! What's up with that! Getting the IV in sucked because my skin was hypersensitive, so having the tournequet on was so painful.
My face still has some swelling and the skin around my eyes is sore, but hopefully it will go away soon. Apparently it can take 2-9 days for symptoms to go away following an allergic reaction. I still don't know exactly what I reacted to. I do have some food allergies, so maybe there was something in the sandwich, but the ER doc felt that my body had a reaction to the two drugs combined. Crazy! I will mark this one down as a lesson learned!
In good news I'm having an awesome ovulation cycle this month, the best I've had in awhile. So we'll be having our bd festival here and hoping for the best!
A little while after taking the fiorecet I started to itch/burn from head to toe. No big deal, I usually itch a little bit with diuladid and just take a benadryl. So I took a benadryl and then fell asleep. I woke up long enough to eat as sub that dh had brought me for dinner and then fell asleep on the couch again while we were watching television. When I woke up dh said "Babe you really just need to go to bed. You have bags under your eyes". Hahahaha ummm NOT!! I went and looked in the mirror and my eyes were swollen! I took another benadryl, called it a night, and assumed I would be fine in the morning. It was not a fun night, my throat hurt, my muscles ached, my chest was tight, and my back felt like it had a pinched nerve and I could NOT get comfortable. In the morning my eyes were still swollen, as were my nose and upper lip and my back was just as miserable. I finally went to the ER and they gave me IV benadryl and something to relax my back. The kicker is that even after all of that I still had a headache! What's up with that! Getting the IV in sucked because my skin was hypersensitive, so having the tournequet on was so painful.
My face still has some swelling and the skin around my eyes is sore, but hopefully it will go away soon. Apparently it can take 2-9 days for symptoms to go away following an allergic reaction. I still don't know exactly what I reacted to. I do have some food allergies, so maybe there was something in the sandwich, but the ER doc felt that my body had a reaction to the two drugs combined. Crazy! I will mark this one down as a lesson learned!
In good news I'm having an awesome ovulation cycle this month, the best I've had in awhile. So we'll be having our bd festival here and hoping for the best!
Whateva
So my next appointment to find out the big game plan is November 3rd. I was hoping to get in sooner, but what can I do about it? Nada. At least it's not a month away or longer. I'm trying to look at the positive side. To be honest, I don't really see why I need an appointment for this anyways. It seems to me that it would be more time effective if she just called me, informed me of my lab results, and let me know what our next step is and when we can do it. I can't wait to find out what we will be doing for sure and to let all of you know as well.
In other news... fall has definitely arrived. A lot of the leaves are turning already and I'm going to be so sad when the trees are all naked. It's so much prettier with them. It's also started to get a lot colder. I'm such a baby when it's cold. I'm one of those freaks that enjoys 100 degree weather and if I can have some humidity with that I'm even happier. The cold is also made more difficult because I have Raynaud's. Such a nuisance, but DH and I went shopping for some new cold weather clothes recently and it should definitely help keep me warm. Now I just need to find some new jeans and some new gloves. I'm very picky when it comes to what jeans I like and I'm really having a hard time finding a pair or two. Any suggestions? For some reason the malls around here only want to carry the skinny leg jeans. I think they are okay, but they're just not for me. DH and I have also been adding some much needed decorations to our house. I'm not too good at it (some people just aren't blessed with the eye) but luckily he is. We've found some really cute stuff and I can't wait to do more. Does anyone know a good place to order curtains for a GREAT price?
Well, unfortunately I now need to go out in the rain and go to Biology class. Today is the perfect day to just snuggle in a blanket at home with some cocoa! I hope everyone is having a great day!
In other news... fall has definitely arrived. A lot of the leaves are turning already and I'm going to be so sad when the trees are all naked. It's so much prettier with them. It's also started to get a lot colder. I'm such a baby when it's cold. I'm one of those freaks that enjoys 100 degree weather and if I can have some humidity with that I'm even happier. The cold is also made more difficult because I have Raynaud's. Such a nuisance, but DH and I went shopping for some new cold weather clothes recently and it should definitely help keep me warm. Now I just need to find some new jeans and some new gloves. I'm very picky when it comes to what jeans I like and I'm really having a hard time finding a pair or two. Any suggestions? For some reason the malls around here only want to carry the skinny leg jeans. I think they are okay, but they're just not for me. DH and I have also been adding some much needed decorations to our house. I'm not too good at it (some people just aren't blessed with the eye) but luckily he is. We've found some really cute stuff and I can't wait to do more. Does anyone know a good place to order curtains for a GREAT price?
Well, unfortunately I now need to go out in the rain and go to Biology class. Today is the perfect day to just snuggle in a blanket at home with some cocoa! I hope everyone is having a great day!
Hard times
Today is one of those days. I'm having a down day where I'm really struggling with the feelings that come with infertility, not being pregnant, and not having a baby yet. I don't want to carry this burden, learn this lesson, or deal with any of the reasons why God has chosen me for this struggle. My heart is just really heavy and really hurts right now. I want to have my beautiful family and give my husband a reflection of himself. It's also difficult not knowing the future. I'm positive that God wants me to be happy and for all of my deep desires to be fulfilled and I know he will bless me with a family. But how long will I have to wait and is this promised family going to come in the package that I really desire it to? I don't know. I have so many questions and just wish that God could sit down with me and let me in on His secrets. I also think what makes things more difficult is being stagnant. Things seem like they are easier to deal with when I'm working on a specific game plan and actively doing something towards my goal. Tomorrow I go for my day 3 blood work and then I'm allowed to schedule a follow up appointment. Here's to hoping I can get in soon and that I will get nothing but happy news.
In so much pain!
Yesterday AF came and I was surprised by how much pain I wasn't in. I even commented about it on someone's blog. BIG MISTAKE. I woke up this morning with the heaviest, nastiest flow and now I'm in so much pain. Not fun! I could seriously cry. To top it off I have to go to class (for those who haven't read it already in my previous post somewhere, I'm finally cracking down and getting my biology degree). So in order to survive and not make a spectacle of myself I took half a vicodin. It has taken the edge off the pain, but now I'm getting sleepy. That doesn't really mix with a 3 hour history lecture! Endometriosis sucks! I'm so sick of it. I want to have normal periods and I want to be able to have children without difficulty. Lord please heal me!
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