Most of the people in my life are aware of my ttc struggle and most are also up to date on where we are in the journey right now (doing IUI soon, blah, blah, blah). Therefore, I really didn't think anything of it when I posted the kitty and the bassinet picture (from my previous post) on to my facebook page. I just wanted to share the cuteness. It makes me smile! Apparently I should have thought of it because I got a bunch of comments on it along the lines of "Are you guys pregnant?", "Are you??", "WHAT THE!!!". Hmmm, okay, didn't see that one coming. I guess I should have. But really who honestly thinks that I would announce my pregnancy to my family via facebook? Oh well. Then I got a little sad. I really wish that was an announcement that I could make right now. That would just make my heart burst with unimagineable joy. It kind of took me by surprise too because, like I said, I'm in an okay place right now. Apparently the Lord got the message that I was at my emotional breaking point (I really, really was) and He decided to bless me with a heart of peace and faith. I've been okay with where I am right now and have had a sence of just knowing that it's going to happen for us one day. (Hopefully soon, right God, wink wink). So I'm having a minor set back today. It happens, right. I'm planning on thoroughly distracting myself today with studying for two major tests. But what I would really like to know is what you ladies do to distract yourself or take your mind to a more peaceful place when your heart is feeling heavy????
A little over a year ago (pre-endometriosis diagnosis) my neighbor was getting rid of her bassinet because her son was far too big for it and she was kind enough to give it to us. She keeps her stuff in phenomenal condition and it couldn't have been in better condition if it was brand new. Even though it had already been 2 years of trying, I hadn't seen the fertility doc yet and still had hope that everything was fine and that we would be expecting at any time. Soooo.... obviously this bassinet has been sitting there unused for over a year and my cats have now adopted it as their home. Now there is NO way I would ever put a baby in there, so I should just reclaim the space it's taking up and throw it away, but I don't have the heart. The cats love it so much! I guess I'll wait until we have to buy an actual crib. I'm such a sucker. Without further delay here is my species confused cat who thinks that he is a baby. Feel free to oooh and awww over my little bundle of joy.
I found this blog due to a post from one of my favorite bloggers Kandee Johnson. I have found myself unable to stop reading. Nie is the most inspiring and beautiful woman I have ever "met". She is 28 years old and a year ago she and her husband were in a plane crash that nearly took her life. After suffering from burns to 83% of her body, being in a coma, and being in the hospital for 5 months she is now recovering. What is so amazing is that after all of that she is still able to focus on her amazing husband, 4 beautiful children, and her love for the Lord. She is so beautiful and her writing is so soothing. If you are able I highly recommend that you check her out here.
Well we are having terrible weather here and the city is basically shut down. The military base is closed (yay for dh getting the day off), the college is closed (there goes the exam I was suppose to take today), but the bad news is except for emergencies the naval hospital is closed. So I wasn't able to go to the lab to get my urine hcg and my HSG is cancelled for tomorrow. They told me to call on Monday to re-schedule. Who knows if I'll be able to get it done this month or not. It's always sad to have a ttc month flushed down the toilet, but I'm actually doing pretty well. I just feel a lot of indifference today. I say today because you ladies know our emotions can change from day to day. For today I'm just going to take ttc as it comes and trust God's journey... today. Honestly I think my tubes are fine. We're just going to hunker down for the next few days and try to stay dry. I hate crazy weather. They're advising for anyone who is home to stay home and not venture out. No problem! I just got a yummy Starbuck's cafe mocha on my way home from my wasted hospital trip and now I'm going to enjoy! Mmmmmmm.
I'm getting an HSG on Friday. Yes, Friday the 13th, and it's my first one while awake and I must say that I'm very nervous. I'm not looking forward to the discomfort and I just hope that the person who is doing it is very fast. Oooooh I wish that they would just knock me out for it!
Right now I feel scared, sad, heavy hearted, and eager. This has been a tough few weeks for me. It started with something I can't get into with this being a public forum, but it's something that each one of you IF girls has gone through and makes each one of us sad. That really knocked me on my butt and I went through an emotional down spin. I guess I just reached my breaking point. I still haven't fully recovered, but I'm doing a little better... and then I received some scary news. As I said in my last post, I just started seeing a new doctor, and in doing so she did a bunch of labs (some new and some repeat), so that we could decide which way to go. I really thought that doing this was a waste of time and just wanted to get the show on the road. However, last week she called me and said that there were some problems with my labs that we would discuss at my next appointment, but that she was also concerned that I have an autoimmune disorder (like Lupus) and wanted to send me to see a Rheumatologist. She said that the positive labs (ANA) could just be from my Raynaud's, but that some other issues and lab results are causing her to think it may be an autoimmune disorder. Literally five minutes later my pulmonologist (for a separate issues) called me and said that due to a pleural effusion and some other red flags he thinks that I may have an autoimmune disorder!!!! WHAT?!?! How crazy is it that two doctors called me within 5 minutes of eachother saying the same thing! I was so scared after that and so worried that I had to clean and do laundry non-stop to distract myself. I want to find out what is keeping us from conceiving and I want to fix that problem, but I never expected anything serious to be wrong. So, I have an appointment on the 24th with Rheumatology to get to the bottom of this. It's scary to think that my journey may get more rocky. Today I had my appointment with IF to discuss my labs, besides what she told me above, and she said that my testosterone is on the high end of normal for fertile folks, but for someone with difficulties getting pregnant it's high. A non-traditional therapy that they do (and have had successful pregnancies result) is to treat it with the diabetic medication Metformin. Something else was flip-flopped as well (sorry it's been a long day and I can't remember exactly what it was) and that's why I need clomid. As for the game plan, after I get cleared with Rheumatology, she recommends that we do go ahead with the monitored clomid and IUI cycles. I also have to repeat a HSG since it's been about a year since I've had that done. I'm just nervous because last time I was knocked out cold since they did it during my endo surgery. I know it's going to be uncomfortable and I can't wait to get it over with! So that's where I am right now. I have to tell you that I'm very scared and very sad. I feel worried that I'm never going to be able to have children and I feel very alone. My heart feels very heavy and I find myself crying at random moments. I so desperately want children. And I'll be honest, right now I'm having a difficult time in my relationship with God. I don't understand why I'm having to go through this. People say that you should never give up hope, but sometimes having hope is very painful. Right now I'm going to just close my eyes and picture my beautiful little baby and attempt to be still and wait for the Lord.
You know sometimes the better you try to make yourself the worse you end up feeling. That is a lesson that I learned this week. Sunday night I had a really bad headache and kidney pain (I'm the reining kidney stone queen). I decided that I was going to take two diuladid and was sure that after that I would feel so much better. An hour later my head was still killing me. I had some fiorecet left over from the horrible headaches that I got while on Lupron (doesn't this just sound like a bad idea already). I did the smart thing and called Walgreens and asked the pharmacist if it was okay for me to take a fiorecet after recently taking diuladid. She assured me that there was no adverse drug reactions between the two. With that information and having taken both medications before I assumed everything would be fine. A little while after taking the fiorecet I started to itch/burn from head to toe. No big deal, I usually itch a little bit with diuladid and just take a benadryl. So I took a benadryl and then fell asleep. I woke up long enough to eat as sub that dh had brought me for dinner and then fell asleep on the couch again while we were watching television. When I woke up dh said "Babe you really just need to go to bed. You have bags under your eyes". Hahahaha ummm NOT!! I went and looked in the mirror and my eyes were swollen! I took another benadryl, called it a night, and assumed I would be fine in the morning. It was not a fun night, my throat hurt, my muscles ached, my chest was tight, and my back felt like it had a pinched nerve and I could NOT get comfortable. In the morning my eyes were still swollen, as were my nose and upper lip and my back was just as miserable. I finally went to the ER and they gave me IV benadryl and something to relax my back. The kicker is that even after all of that I still had a headache! What's up with that! Getting the IV in sucked because my skin was hypersensitive, so having the tournequet on was so painful. My face still has some swelling and the skin around my eyes is sore, but hopefully it will go away soon. Apparently it can take 2-9 days for symptoms to go away following an allergic reaction. I still don't know exactly what I reacted to. I do have some food allergies, so maybe there was something in the sandwich, but the ER doc felt that my body had a reaction to the two drugs combined. Crazy! I will mark this one down as a lesson learned!
In good news I'm having an awesome ovulation cycle this month, the best I've had in awhile. So we'll be having our bd festival here and hoping for the best!
