That's the best title I could come up with because that's how I feel. DH and I have re-entered the world of TTC... or should I say battlefield. We just had our 3rd failed cycle. The past 2 cycles I was so sure that I had conceived. Crushing. I've been wanting to talk about this for awhile, but for some reason I feel so much more vulnerable and exposed this time around. I don't know why it feels so different. I've decided that I need to just get over it and let myself feel naked and exposed because I really need the support.
I'm scared. It took us over two years of trying to get Corbe.n. It was the hardest thing that I've ever been through and I don't know if I have it in me to go through another battle. I'll do it because I want more children, but it will take everything I have in me. Just the thought of it exhausts me and makes me want to cry. I've decided that I need to take next month off of actively trying and just let nature take its course. The emotions of trying and then the 2WW are too much right now... ugh and then the few days leading up to AF are the worst! Analyzing every symptom, wondering if the cramps you feel are because you're pregnant or because you're about to start. Worrying if what you're eating or drinking (coffee addict here) could effect your chances of conceiving. Worrying if your stress levels are too high.... worry, worry, worry. When is it going to happen? I really want Corbe.n to have a sibling close in age to him. Is that going to be a reality? Agggghhhhh! Too many thoughts. I really need to chill out. It is a different feeling and a different worry then before. I'm constantly having to remind myself to turn to God and give my worries to him. He has proved himself faithful and that he does have a beautiful and wonderful plan for my life. I know this to be true. I see it everyday in the face of my son.
2 comments:
Hi there, found your blog through another blog friend's:) I too have endo. and we have a miracle little boy, through IVF. We've also been trying (hoping!) for a natural pregnancy this time around. And oh my goodness I share SO many of your same feelings! I actually wrote a recent post similar to yours. It's so difficult giving the desire for another baby over to God, isn't it?? It is personally a daily struggle for me, knowing the fertility challenges we've had in the past. Hang in there though, and know God has a perfect plan He's working out in your life. You'll be in my prayers!! And your little guy is just beautiful btw.((HUGS))
Brittney, thank you SO much for your comment! I just read your post and it's so great to hear someone echo my feelings exactly! It is so difficult to give my desires over to God. It's definitely a daily struggle. Every time I commit myself to let go and just let God take the reigns I end up going back on that the next day. It's frustrating! I do agree with you that God does have a wonderful plan for us. We just need to really live in that promise.
Your son is so beautiful too!
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