I have this heavy pit in my chest and a sadness that is always with me. I wish that it would go away, but it won't. I think about the baby every second of the day. When I'm reading Corbe.n his stories I'm thinking about the baby at the same time. When I carry on conversations, my mind is really somewhere else. I went about a week without talking to anyone at all because I didn't know how I was supposed to be. I didn't want to talk about the baby because I couldn't handle it, but I didn't want to not talk about the baby either because I don't want to act like it meant nothing by carrying on talking about regular things. I'm full of so much regret and longing for something that is not possible for me to have back. I'm sure many people can't comprehend being so sad about losing a baby that I never even had the chance to know... that I only carried inside me for 7 weeks, but I loved that baby immensely from the very beginning and I just want my child back. I know that I need to move on because I can't change what happened and I can't live in grief forever. I just don't know how to make this sadness go away.
I lost the baby
Sorry I'm just now updating. We just got the internet hooked up in our new place. I got the call Monday that my hcg level went from 864 to 70 in just 3 days. They did say that it's extremely odd that my level dropped that quickly, especially since I hardly bled and I never saw the baby come out. They want me to get it rechecked in a week to see if it continued to go down or back up. They've seen it happen where levels have dramatically dropped and then started to go back up. I however don't want the false hope. I don't feel pregnant anymore and my pregnancy tests went from extremely dark lines to now just a extremely faint positive. I'll test again in a few days, but I firmly believe it's just the Lord being merciful and returning my levels to normal quicker than usual.
I'm extremely heartbroken. I think about the baby every second of everyday. I have such a hard time falling asleep at night with thoughts of the baby running through my mind. It's at night that I'm most reminded of my loss. The baby put me to sleep at 9:30 every night. It was impossible for me to stay up any later and I fell asleep immediately. Not having that exhausted feeling makes me so sad. We already had names picked out and started making lists of things we needed to get. We had hopes and dreams and so much excitement. I'm just so sad. I never would have imagined that this would have happened. I want my baby back. I wish I knew why this happened. It just doesn't seem real.
Terrified- Prayers Needed
The past 2 days have been an emotional wreck. On Wednesday I started cramping more than usual and when I would go to the bathroom I would get a pink stain on the toilet tissue. The pink stain progressed to spotting (starting off brown and then bright red), the spotting progressed to blood clots. I went to the doctor yesterday and they did an ultrasound and saw no gestational sac and no baby. Per my LMP I should have been 6w5d at that point and a baby should definitely be seen. He asked me if I was sure my dates were correct and I said yes. Based on that, he said he was 80% sure I had miscarried. They drew a serum HCG just to be sure. He said if my HCG came back at 2000 or above then a baby should definitely be seen and that would prove I had miscarried. He said if it came back at a low number then I may just not be as far along as I think I am. Yesterday I had a lack of pregnancy symptoms, so with that and the spotting and clotting, and no baby on the ultrasound I really felt in my gut that my baby was gone. I've been feeling completely emotionally devastated. I don't remember the last time I cried so hard. I couldn't fall asleep until 5:00 this morning. To make matters worse we won't be moving into our new home until this weekend (so much stress and drama that I'll have to get to another time), so we're staying with my MIL and my 2 SIL's live really close by and one just had a baby and the other is 4 months pregnant. It's been so hard to grieve here.
BUT there might be hope. I got a phone call from my doctor today and my hcg level is 864. So this means that either I miscarried and my numbers are declining or I'm not as far along as I thought and my numbers will increase. I get them checked again on Monday. I do have some pregnancy symptoms again today, but I know that those can still be there as long as hcg is present in my system. I had issues with my cycle last month so I don't know for sure when I ovulated, so I could have my dates off. I have had positive HPT's for the past 2 weeks, which most of the time won't turn positive until around 5 weeks (I think?), however, after doing some reading I learned the brand I bought has been known to give positives as early as 3 weeks (I didn't know that was possible). It could also be a good sign because I'm bleeding very lightly and miscarriages usually have very heavy bleeding (I realize that could still come). The slight increase in bleeding that I've had could be explained from the exam I had yesterday and him "wiggling my uterus to see if it hurts". I feel like I'm grasping at straws and setting myself up for a second heartbreak. I've been heavily grieving the loss of my baby and then I got a renewed hope after the hcg phone call today. I don't want to have to start at ground zero again, but I've also heard of stories like mine where everything ended up being fine. My dr told me that he has a patient with the same thing coming in on friday and everything ended up being okay with their baby.
I'm Pregnant!!!!
Praise you Lord! Another baby is on the way! I didn't feel pregnant at all and even told dh that I was 98% sure I wasn't pregnant. I decided to take a test this morning because we move tomorrow and I didn't want to have to worry about anything while we were on the road. I thought it would be negative and that I would get my period sometime today. BFP right away! Thank you Lord! My estimated due date right now is May 5th.
Moving
I just got back from visiting my family in California {super cute pictures to come eventually}. BUT I'm going to be missing for a little while because we are swamped packing things up because we're moving to an entirely new state. Ooh how I hate packing and moving! I love to unpack... it's like Christmas and it's fun finding new places to put things. So, we have to pack, and then we have a long road trip with a baby and a dog and 2 vehicles (luckily my MIL is flying in to make the drive with us), and then we will be staying with her for a week because our new place won't be ready right away. Hopefully this won't be too rough on Corbe.n. He's had way too much traveling lately and doesn't sleep well away from home. It will be nice to get moved in and settled! I'll try to get the new pictures posted tonight, but if not... see ya soon! Prayers for uneventful travels and a smooth transition would be very much appreciated.
First Haircut!
Corb.en's hair was getting extremely long and more and more difficult to manage. Please refer to exhibit A, B, and C.
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| Haha, that facial expression is hilarious! |
So we decided that it was time for C.orben's first haircut and I just prayed that they wouldn't screw up his precious little curls. The only time we could take him was during his usual nap time, so I was just sure he would be a major grump. I'm happy to report that he was a perfectly behaved child and they did a GREAT job on his hair. We took him to a special kids place and he got to sit in a little police car chair with a steering wheel and we got a "baby's first haircut" certificate, locks of hair to save, and a printed picture.. Poor kid is probably seeing stars still because we took so many pictures! Here are just a few.
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| The "after". |
It was a memory that I will cherish forever.
The Cure: Veggie Pizza!
Lately getting Co.rben to eat can become a stressful event... you never know what you're going to get. Some days he has a great appetite, other days he puts the food in his mouth then spits it out or acts like you are greatly insulting him if you dare to bring food near him. As a mother, I was really worried about this, thinking that my poor child was going to starve to death. After some research with the lovely google, I learned that this is very common with 1 year old babies (I refuse to say that I have a toddler... denial is my friend). Apparently they are wanting to get some independence and to eat or not to eat is the one thing they can control right now. Well, my friends I have good news if you have this problem or if you're just looking for something yummy and nutritious to feed your child. VEGGIE PIZZA! I got this recipe from All Things G&D (love her). It's so good and it's absolutely packed with vegetables. Most of all I love it because Corbe.n can't get enough of it and you can make a big batch and freeze it for when you're in a pinch and need a meal quickly for your child.
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| I forgot to take a picture of mine. This picture is from All Things G&D. |
Ingredients
Pizza Crust (Pillsbury or crust from your local pizza shop)
Sun Dried Tomato Alfredo Sauce
Veggies
Shredded Mozzarella Cheese
Directions
Spread pizza crust onto cookie sheet. Spread a layer of alfredo sauce over the crust, then finely chop some of the vegetables with a food processor and sprinkle over sauce, then add a layer of cheese, then put more vegetables cut into bite size pieces on top. Then bake according to crust directions. For me this was 400* for 12 minutes. Allow to cool and then cut. Leftover slices can be frozen (make 2-3 pizzas at a time if you want to stock your freezer food stash).
Some ideas from G&D
- You can use plain alfredo sauce or even red pepper alfredo sauce
- The leftover alfredo sauce can be poured into ice cube trays for use on future pizzas
- Pesto is another sauce option
- Minced garlic and feta cheese is another topping option
- The vegetables she usually uses (and I did as well) are broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots
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